


a beginning or an end (something to depend on)

by tyrellis



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Homesickness, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Season 3 Spoilers, black paladin lance, broganes, post-season two
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-13 02:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11750181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyrellis/pseuds/tyrellis
Summary: Lance doesn't have a thing, a gimmick, nothing to elevate him to the starry heights everyone else seems to occupy... He thought maybe with the shooting thing he could get a leg up that ladder, but... Well, it's nothing compared to everyone else. A foot off the ground instead of up in the sky. But this could be it. The Guy That Finds Shiro. That's not so bad.Once Shiro disappears, it becomes clear to the paladins that in order to continue their mission against the galra and find Shiro, they must select a new paladin to lead them...but no one expects Lance to be chosen by the black lion - least of all Lance himself. Scrambling to keep his composure despite the growing pressure, Lance must find a way to lead his friends without trouble, protect other planets from the galra, and track down their original black paladin, despite those, with or against him, who stand in his way.





	1. transformation

**Author's Note:**

> first voltron fic! had to be black paladin lance, obviously. no shade on keith but...did we all watch season 3. also lance is my fave which automatically means he needs to be the black paladin.
> 
> this won't follow the season 3 plot line. i've not decided yet on whether lotor will be a component yet, however this fic will refer to things found out only in s3, so if u havent watched or finished it yet, i'd recommend not reading this until you've watched all of it!
> 
> uhh anyway pls forgive any mistakes this is unbeta'd n im lazy :/ unofficial anthem of this chap is [michael in the bathroom](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaMRF8ucGJo) from a musical called be more chill. just a dude called michael having a panic attack in a bathroom. it's relatable.
> 
> otherwise, enjoy! and if u like this, pls consider leaving any feedback at all <3
> 
> (title from the staves' [gone tomorrow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6iEGcEHKBk))

_I'll call it on the phone_  
_Tell you I'm alright_  
_But I'm not_  
_And I'm alone._

[Sleeping In A Car](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR4yBOYp98U), The Staves.

\--

Nothing makes sense after Shiro disappears. Allura goes quiet and stays mostly in the controls room or her own bedroom (location unknown to everyone but Coran, for some reason), Hunk goes into cooking overdrive despite the severe lack of ingredients, Pidge won't budge from their tech setup, and Keith...takes all his anger out on the dummies in the training room.

Well, _that_  makes some sense, at least. Or, at least Lance is _used_  to that. But Allura? Their leader? Suddenly... _not_  leading them? Isn't she supposed to be the one that keeps them in line when this shit happens? And Hunk, he's supposed to _talk_  to Lance or at least ask someone to cook _with_ him so they both have an opportunity to open up about their issues, but he's become a cooking robot, absolutely silent, churning out space goo of various shapes and sizes nonstop. Pidge hasn't slept in days, Lance can _tell_ , but they snap when he gets too near and all his offers of help are rebutted by what is essentially _you're too dumb to do anything of use_.

And Keith trains, and hits dummies, and tires himself out, and won't talk either.

It's hard to watch. Hard to stand by and do nothing to help, but what _can_  he do? He's grieving too. He misses Shiro _too_. But- well, maybe Pidge is right and he is too dumb to do anything of use, but he still has _some_  common sense. The universe hasn't changed since Shiro's gone missing - in fact, his disappearance makes the world around them just that bit more terrifying - but they haven't done _anything_  in the last space week to help. The Galra are still out there, even if they've taken a hit; there are still whole planets, whole _systems_  out there still occupied by the galra, whole species losing their lives, families, _children_ , enslaved, or, or _dying_!

And they're tiring themselves out. _No one_  on this damn castle ship is sleeping enough, not even Coran Coran the gorgeous man. Allura rarely leaves her room. Hunk rarely _returns_  to his room. Lance thinks he's the only one who's keeping his schedule straight, and that's pretty much only because his skin would really suffer if he didn't facemask regularly. It's like he's stepped into a video game and his friends are just NPCs repeating the same action over and over, and Allura is the princess who's locked herself in the tower, and Lance is the only one who can do something, but- but what? He has to do _some_ thing. Something soon, something fast-

The Black Lion. Shiro was trying to strengthen his bond to her for space months before he suddenly took off. If... If...

Lance has a pretty strong bond with Blue. Hell, he'll even say that whilst he may not have the strengths and training and specialities and sheer likeability and charisma and confidence and wit and skills and intelligence and perception and so on that everyone _else_  has...

...Damn.

Well, he may not have _any_  of that. At all. He's made his peace with that! Kind of. But he'd say that maybe he has the strongest bond with his lion out of all the paladins. Even at a distance, he can still _feel_ her, a physical presence at the back of his mind, reassuring and soothing, easy to find. It could work the other way. It could... _work_...with the black lion. She could find Shiro. Or, or...give them some clue, maybe, to what he was thinking, to where he went, to...

Lance doesn't have a thing, a _gimmick_ , nothing to elevate him to the starry heights everyone else seems to occupy... He thought maybe with the shooting thing he could get a leg up that ladder, but... Well, it's nothing compared to everyone else. A foot off the ground instead of up in the sky. But this could be it. The Guy That Finds Shiro. That's not so bad. It's not _great_ , but it's not _bad_...

So he does it. Maybe he should talk to someone about it but- but who? The thing with NPCs is that if you badger them enough times, they just respond with the same thing: _fuck off_ , more or less. Everyone's so busy being too busy to be sad that they won't even notice what he's doing. If he brings Shiro back - hell, if he even gets a _clue_  as to where he could be - it will revitalise everyone. They'll have a goal again. Something to _work_  towards.

The black lion looks beautiful as ever. Big and shiny and strong, serious, sombre. It's enshelled in the transparent blue bubble that encases all their lions when they're not in use, so Lance approaches the barrier carefully and rests a hand upon it.

"Hey, Black Lion," he says, trying to be respectful. His heart is beginning to hammer a little in his chest, and he takes a deep breath to alleviate his anxiety. He shouldn't be nervous. It's a lion. _Just_  a lion, but...this is his only plan. "Good to see you! Looking good as ever! I'd say you're not as pretty as Blue but then I'd be _lion_." He tosses a smirk at Black, turning his head just so he can also wink at Blue to let her know he's not serious. Black is...unimpressed, gleaming lazily in the white light. "Okay, okay, I know, this is pretty serious. I know you know Shiro is missing... Do you...have any idea where he could...be...?"

The weight of Black's gaze on him is a surpisingly physical thing. It takes effort to keep his shoulders straight and chin up, to look her in the eyes and bare his soul to her, to show her he means it, even if he isn't exactly eloquent about it. It takes an aeon, it feels like, the smile dripping off his face till he's staring grimly up at her, the both of them miserable about this situation.

But then the barrier disappears. He blinks, twice and then again, feels stoney as he takes a step past where it had been.

"Is that a yes? Anything would help, Black, you've gotta _see_  them out there, all work, no play, you know? Not even _work_  work, just...useless work. We're not even looking for Shiro. If we find him...or _something_  to do with him, we can...get everything going again."

There is a moment of silence, Lance's plea echoing off the high walls and the cold white floor, and Black staring down at him, giving away nothing. Maybe this was a bad idea. If- if _Keith_  had come through with this request, he'd probably already be in the sky, tracking Shiro down. It's no secret that Keith was Shiro's favourite - Lance can only assume that Keith was supposed to take the black paladin mantle in this situation, but no one's talked about it yet. As if that'll help when there's a planet in dire need and they can't form Voltron because they never found a replacement. Lance understands grief - _god_ , does he understand it - but the galra invading and enslaving planets? That's more than them, more than their grief and more than _Shiro_. It hurts to say. It hurts to _think_.

It's the truth.

And, just as the thought passes through him, Black's jaw drops open. Stairs unfold and land just shy of his feet, calling to mind briefly first time this happened, except then he was nervous for a different reason, he was bright and bubbly and eager to learn more.

He considers taking a step back.

"Are- are you sure, Black? Maybe you have...information inside. Flight logs and...stuff. You just...want to show me those, right?"

He's tentative. Every step feels wrong. It should be Shiro. It should be Keith. Allura, Hunk, Pidge, _Coran_ , even! Anyone but him.

She's only accepted him because he bothered to ask her about Shiro. That's the truth of it, he knows, surely, but his treacherous heart pulsing in his chest blooms too quickly with hope and desire, to be rid of this hideous inadequacy he's been saddled with. What if it was more? It won't be. It _won't_  be. But what if?

 _What if, what if, what if?_  his mind whispers as he stands before the pilot's chair, too big for Lance, too big for anyone who's not a grown man. Jesus. For a moment the enormity of what's happening crashes down on them- why isn't he at _school_ \- how old is he, he's lost track of human months- why him, of all people, for this- and Shiro, where is _Shiro_?

"Where is Shiro, Black?" Lance asks. "Do you know?"

To the side, something gleams, and when Lance picks it up he just sighs.

"Yeah, the bayard...we know. It's- what do you want us to do? Fingerprint it? Check it for...anything..."

It grows hot in his hand, just like his own bayard when it's ready to transform into a rifle - burns almost too hot to touch, but he grits his teeth and hisses and _stares_ , because in his hand is a rifle. A fucking black rifle.

"Black." She doesn't reply, but he can feel her on the edge of his consciousness, so much more intense than Blue ever was - Blue, gentle and understanding in her departure - "Black, what's happening."

Her engines come on, a low buzz fading as the cockpit lights up, the interface springs into being, and the lion jolts.

"Black, I- I can't _pilot_  you-"

The hangar is open. Deep wide space all around him-

Black plunges into it, and Lance dives for the seat.

\--

They don't actually... _go_  anywhere. They float, really, cruise the skies as Lance settles into this seat, too big for him or anyone non-Shiro-shaped, fits his hands round the controls and stares in awe at his- Shiro's- at the, _the_  black bayard. Shaped like a rifle. It shifts into a sniper rifle. Black and sleek and beautiful. Everything Lance wanted, all _wrong_.

Black lets him take as long as he likes, but as he wonders at the bayard, at the sky around him from this point of view, he feels compelled to close his eyes, and eventually he gives in, drifts off, and Black is...not gentle, not like Blue. Blue is water, soothing and kind and adaptable, fit to anything that gave shape. The friendliest lion. The only reason, probably, that Lance was able to be a paladin.

It's not like that with Black. She's kind, in her own way, but she's stern and serious and she lays the first- vision? Memory? - on him and then the next without pause for respite.

It starts with Zarkon.

Did Shiro have this, too? Or is this supposed to aid the search? It's a younger Zarkon, his eyes don't glow, he, he _smiles_  more... He _leads_  Voltron, and seamlessly he turns to Shiro, they have the same shine in their eyes, the way they sit up straight, lean forward as they follow their enemies, even the smile they get when they win, it's all...the same.

Lance is...meant to live up to this? Or... He doesn't even know if this is definite. Black is giving him a ride and the bayard turned to a rifle, but it could- adapt to anyone. It was chance, that he was the first to ask her. That's all it was. That's all it ever is.

Time passes, he can't tell how much. Memories wash over him in waves, Zarkon and Shiro intertwining into the same person, or, or not a person at all - the Black Paladin, the leader. But Zarkon turned bad. Shiro is gone.

Lance is here.

"What are you trying to tell me, huh, buddy?" Lance asks quietly, eyes still closed. "That they're the same? They're not! Zarkon is evil! Shiro is...not evil."

Black is getting frustrated with him.

"Okay, okay...they had to have the same qualities to pilot you, right? They're both...determined. To...lead. To be responsible for the others. To..." Lance squeezes his eyes shut, focuses harder on what Black gives him. Zarkon and Shiro, flying alone. Without a team. "They don't want others to be hurt because of them, but...that doesn't make _sense_... They can be...blinded? I guess that's a good word. I mean Shiro can... Could be...focused."

Encouragement.

"You don't want that anymore? Or... No, you _want_  Shiro back, but getting another Shiro won't work. You need someone different. Someone who's focused, but looks after everyone. Someone rational, but passionate, someone..."

 _You, Lance_ , Black is telling him, sends images of him in Blue, grinning and hooting, serious and shooting, part of Voltron, part of the team. Lance here, in the Black Lion. Of him, _leading_.

"I couldn't. Keith, or Allura, they're better to lead... Allura already leads us, and Shiro would _want_  Keith to be the Black paladin, if... If they realise what's happened... No one _wants_  me to lead, Black. Hell, _I_  don't even think I can..."

 _You, Lance!_  She won't give it up. Him as the head of Voltron, calling commands, checking on his team, coordinating with Allura. Wearing the black uniform, black bayard at his hand as a rifle, up on a hillside with a sniper. Keith at his right hand, Pidge on his left... Hunk keeping him grounded, and...Allura? Could Allura be the blue paladin?

"It can't be that simple."

But he's already here. They're drifting, yes, but he's still piloting her. Sitting here in his jacket and jeans, the bayard rifle in his lap.

"I can't _do_  this."

 _Let's go home_. She's decided, she tested him out and now...he's going to replace Shiro? _Him_?

 _Yes_ , she thinks. _You will find him. We will find him._

 _We_ will find him. They _have_ to find him.

They fly back to the ship, park in the hangar, and Lance jumps out Black, bayard thoughtlessly in hand, and everyone is gathered at the edge of the barrier that dissipates as Lance approaches, grinning, rejuvenated.

"Guys, I figured it out!" he exclaims, looking at them all. "I know what we have to do! Black showed me, we went on a-"

"On a _what_ , Lance?" Allura cuts in, cold as he's ever seen her. Lance blinks and takes a step back, the smile falling off his face. The barrier throws itself up again between them, and Lance slowly realises that no one else looks pleased. Even Hunk, who raises a hand in greeting, isn't smiling at his return.

"We went on a...ride..." he says, except that's wrong, it's not enough, because Allura is already shaking her head.

"A ride? A _ride_  on the black lion? _Shiro's_ -" She stops, takes a breath and composes herself. "Do you have _any_  idea how worried we were when Coran went to check on the lions and said the black lion had gone _missing_? For a moment, we thought perhaps somehow... _Zarkon_  had returned, or..."

And Lance, stupid, self-obsessed, self- _absorbed_  Lance can only ask, "You didn't...realise I was gone?"

Hunk winces.

"You pilot the blue lion. Forgive me if my first thought _wasn't_  that the blue paladin was suddenly piloting the black lion. What..." Allura's sharp facade fades a moment, and she gazes up at Black with wondrous eyes. " _What_  happened here?"

"I...just asked Black if she knew anything, and she...took me on a ride. That's all..." It's not. It's not, so why is he lying? But how is he supposed to tell Allura what he saw, how at times in those visions Zarkon and Shiro morphed into the same person, called the same commands, _smiled_  the same way. He can't tell her that. And he _can't_  tell her that Black wants him as her paladin, as if Allura could take that seriously.

"You have the bayard."

Right. He has the bayard.

"Uh...yeah! Neat, isn't it?"

"A rifle..." Allura goes as if to take the bayard from him, but her fingers bounce off the barrier and she frowns. "Why don't we...go to the control room and discuss this."

Lance goes to do this, but the barrier stays. "Uh...I think Black wants to hear what's going on."

Allura looks up at Black and just shrugs. "Yes, okay...let's discuss it now, then. Can you at least remove the barrier?"

Glancing back, Lance says, "Black?" and the barrier dissipates.

"Another rifle," Allura muses as she takes the bayard from him and it holds its form for a moment before returning to its unweaponised shape. "You really must be our sharpshooter..."

Trying - and failing - to hide a pleased smile, Lance manages a modest shrug and takes back the bayard. "Well, if someone _has_  to do it..."

"I was beginning to think that in order to recreate Voltron, we'd need to reshuffle the paladins, but I suppose you've...made that less of an issue."

Allura won't meet his eyes, and Lance looks round at the others. Hunk's smiling at him, flashes the thumbs up, and Pidge smiles too, but Coran is frowning at the black lion, and Keith is...glaring at him. Arms crossed, shoulders proud.

Nothing new there, then.

If it helps..."I didn't mean to," he says honestly. "I just wanted to ask Black- everyone's been...busy. I thought maybe Black could help us out, and I guess she...chose me, or... I mean. I _can't_ be the black paladin, I mean, I _know_ I'm not the best choice, but- but she chose me. I tried to argue with her, but she wouldn't listen."

"No," Allura agrees. "The lion chooses the paladin. If the black lion has chosen you as her...temporary replacement, then all we can do is adjust. But...who will take Blue?"

The others glance over at her, frowning. Hunk especially seems displeased with the idea of switching lions, so Lance quickly suggests, "Well, Black showed me- she suggested that maybe...you'd be...best for the job?"

"Me? A paladin of Voltron?" For a moment it seems like she'll argue against it, but she seems to consider it thoroughly, before nodding. "I was thinking it could come to this. I will try." She smoothes down her skirt as they head en masse to the blue lion, Lance turning back to give Black a quick wave as her barrier encases her once more. "I'm not particularly dressed for this..."

Lance shrugs and indicates his own outfit. "Yeah, I wasn't either..."

It doesn't take as long as Lance becoming the black paladin did. The barrier dissipates, and Allura beams. Blue lets her in, and they wait.

"Dude," Hunk whispers beside him. "You're the black paladin now, huh?"

"I can't believe it!" Pidge says on his other side. "How did _Lance_  become the black paladin?"

Lance shrugs, a little stung, but then throws on a smirk. "She told me she's not beautiful, so I asked her 'why the fuck you _lion_ ', and then she-" He can't continue, because Hunk is physically heaving with laughter and Pidge is groaning beside him. "And she was so happy she made me her paladin!"

"You're the _worst_ ," Pidge says, but it just makes Lance laugh. "That's the- you are so _bad_  at puns, do you know that?"

"It was a good one!" Lance argues. "I even incorporated song!"

"It _was_  a good one," Hunk says, making Pidge roll their eyes. "It had music, it was a classic 'lion/lying' pun, it told a beautiful story..." He pretends to wipe a tear from his eye. "It was punbelievable."

"You're both terrible," they say, shaking their head, but Pidge grins the whole time so Lance doesn't take it too seriously.

"We're _reshuffling_  the paladins, and you three think it's a good time to make stupid jokes?" Keith hisses from the side, where he's defiantly emanating an air of _joking paladins don't interact_. He keeps his arms crossed tight across his body, glaring at the three of them whilst also not looking at Lance whatsoever.

"It wasn't a joke," Lance says, "it was a beautiful story."

"And if it was a joke," Hunk further clarifies, "it'd actually be called a _pun_  - as that was the particular _type_  of joke Lance was utilising in his-"

As Pidge scrubs their hands down their face and Keith's eyes burn to raging fire, Allura bursts out, hair a little messy but grinning widely.

"I did it!" she says, beaming. "Blue accepted me as her paladin!"

"So that's it!" Coran says finally, smiling also. "Blue paladin Lance becomes the black paladin, and new entry Princess Allura takes Blue!"

"It could've been a much worse reshuffle," Allura agrees. "At least only two of us have to readjust." She begins to lead them from the hangars. "Paladins, starting tomorrow we have to-"

"Princess," Coran says quietly. "Shouldn't we give our black paladin the chance to lead?"

Hunk, who'd fallen into step with Lance, pinches Lance's elbow and pushes him forward.

"Of course. Lance, what do you think we should do now?"

Well, they seem to be going to the controls room, so Lance heads on in that direction and tries to be a Leader, god help him. "Well," he says. "Uh. The princess and I will need some time to adjust to our lions, so...tomorrow we'll get up early and maybe fly a bit. But...we also need to strengthen our bond as paladins since... Since we've, uh, reshuffled. Before, Allura just observed our exercises, but now she needs to be included in that, so...Coran will have to direct them. So after...Allura and I come back, we'll...do that."

He glances back to see Allura nodding and Hunk thumbs-upping him again.

"And you said you figured it out. When you left the black lion? What did you mean?"

"Oh, that?" At the time, he's felt such euphoria, like he _had_  known what to do, but in hindsight all he knows is that there's some link between Shiro and Zarkon, stronger than any of them realise. That's not much of a lead. "I just meant- that I knew who the black paladin was! Me, obviously. Kind of. Obviously."

"Oh," Allura says, and lets out a miniscule sigh. "I see."

"I-I'm sorry, Princess, if...there was more, I would tell you." Or not. He feels bad about lying, he _really_  does, but Black humming in the back of his mind is telling him that those visions were secret. Just for him. Some puzzle only he, for some reason, can figure out.

"It's okay, Lance... I shouldn't expect much."

Lance blinks, doesn't reply. She doesn't say _from you_  but he hears it all the same. He glances round at the others, but they're not really paying attention: Keith is scowling at nothing, and Pidge and Hunk are whispering together, and Coran Coran the gorgeous man just offers a dazzling smile as they enter the controls room, and everyone but Allura and Lance settle into their seats. They both go for the blue paladin's seat, stop just short and stare at each other for a moment.

Everyone else is staring, too.

Lance leans down to brush some imaginary dust from the seat then smiles up at Allura, brandishing a hand to the chair: "Now you may take your seat, princess."

She rolls her eyes but smiles as she sits. "Thank you, Lance."

And he goes to the black paladin seat, everyone's eyes on him. He can feel them burning through his jacket, but he keeps walking, he doesn't look back. It's just a seat. It's a seat! Except the last time he sat on a Shiro Seat he did get weird vision of past black paladins for like, half an hour, so...

So he sits down, and the world doesn't end. The seat feels too big, well, so did the pilot seat. No visions this time, at least. It just feels...weird looking at everyone like this. All of them, assembled in front of him. Waiting for orders.

Jesus christ, is this happening? Is this real? This has to be one of Lance's more elaborate dreams. Someone has planted the seed of this into his head, Inception-style, and when he wakes up he'll demand to be black paladin and it'll cause drama and tear the whole team apart which is like, exactly what the galra want. They probably have the technology.

Oh god. If this is just a dream, maybe he should just relish it while it lasts. "Fellow paladins!" he says, and the looks everyone returns him with make him back down a bit. "Kidding! But, uh... So. Uh. I guess I'm the black paladin now, um, so...I'm the leader."

Hunk whoops and Pidge claps her hands, laughing. Coran, raising a brow, claps also.

"Uh, I know that...some of you might not be pleased about this, but..." He tries to avoid looking at Keith directly. "...I'm sure we can work things out. I don't know what you've all been doing for the past few weeks, but now that all the lions have paladins again we should start training together and searching for Shiro properly. Allura and I will get up early tomorrow to bond with our lions, we'll all meet up for some group training stuff, and then maybe Pidge and I can have a look at some star maps and try and figure out where Shiro went. Even if we're just checking out random quadrants, we'll at least be able to help the planets that the galra have invaded, right?"

When he glances over, Keith is leaning his chin on his hand, explicitly not looking at him. Hunk, however, says, "Sounds good to me! Getting Shiro back is obviously important, but as paladins it's our job to stop the galra! We can't forget that they're are still millions of aliens enslaved by the galra. And if we help them, maybe they could help us. I mean, we already have the Blades of Marmora on our side, right?"

"That's true," Allura agrees. "I don't want to force it on them, but if they have a military or...if they can fight at all, it's possible we could ask Marmora agents to train them in the hopes that when the time comes, they can back us up in battle against the galra."

"Princess, one might best remember that if these people have just been freed from the galra, they may not take kindly to being taught to fight by them... Even if the Blades of Marmora are on our side, seeing any galra might deeply upset them," Coran says from where he stands before them all at the console.

"That's...also true," she sighs. "Well, what do you think, Lance?"

Frowning, Lance says, "I think we'd just have to ask each planet's people how safe they feel with an armed galra teaching them... If the Blades of Marmora aid us in helping them, they might be more willing...and also if some of the people can fight anyway, it means that _if_  the agent tried to attack them, they'd be able to fight back. But there will be some planet's who will refuse that, so... Would it be a crime to take a day off and train some people ourselves? Then they could go on to train the rest of the planet?"

Coran nods slowly, and Allura leans back in her seat. Glancing around, Hunk gives him a thumbs up and Pidge smiles, and Keith...still won't look at him. Fine, whatever, okay. It's not like Lance wanted to gaze into his chocolate orbs anyway. The way he's turned his head make his cheekbones look really sharp, though...

Ugh, gay thoughts, not now. Later. When he's...not trying to be a good leader in front of like, _everyone_  he actually knows.

 _Later_ , he is going to go to his room, or to the observatory lounge that no one else has found yet, and he's going to laugh a bit and then maybe cry, think about all the reasons he shouldn't be leader, have a minor meltdown, and then think of Keith smiling at him and find peace.

But not now.

"That's definitely an option," Allura says. "Anyone else?"

"I like Lance's idea," Hunk says immediately, because he really is the truest of friends. Lance winks at him to convey his deep and sincere gratitude. "I think it'd make a more meaningful connection with the aliens there, and show them we're invested in keeping them safe."

Pidge nods. "I agree. We could also leave training tapes in case we're in a rush, but...that might be complicated, depending on each planet's technology, what languages they understand, their own anatomy..."

"Keith, any thoughts?" Coran urges as Allura nods at Pidge's idea.

"We can't teach them all to fight," Keith says finally, scowling a little more towards the rest of the group without making actual eye contact with anyone. "We could leave weapon plans with them, show them how to fortify their homes against future attacks. They'd have to adapt it to their own resources and natural advantages, but...better than nothing."

"Yes, that's clever... It would leave them able to defend themselves without wasting too much time on the planet, nor having to force them to be trained by a galra..."

Allura looks over at him again, and Lance, trying not to feel too put-down that Keith's idea was accepted more easily than his by the princess, stumbles out, "Uh, uh, yeah, that's a...great idea, Keith! Pidge can probably come up with a few blueprints that should be pretty universal. And then...I think we can take it case-by-case." Everyone keeps looking at him. "Uh...meeting adjourned?"

"We're not going to talk about you becoming the black paladin?"

Oh, _god_. "Uh...didn't we already cover that? Black chose me, I got the bayard, I lead now?"

"Well, yes...but I wanted to check everyone was alright with the adjustment. Are there any objections before we finish up here?"

She's looking very meaningfully at Keith, who's resumed his ignoring-everyone stance.

"I think it's a wonderful choice!" Coran Coran the most _gorgeous_  man says gallantly. "He's certainly learnt a lot of responsibility from cleaning the ship with me! _And_  if the space goo gets out the the kitchen again, he knows _exactly_  what to use to clean it up!"

"Well, _I_  think it'll give Lance a chance to grow up a little!" Pidge chimes, and grins, and Lance tries not to wince, laughs because they're laughing too.

"And show off his super awesome sharpshooter skills!" Hunk adds. "You can call the shots from behind!" When Lance frowns, he clarifies, "Cause you're our sniper, right?" and indicates the bayard still stretched out into a sniper rifle on Lance's lap.

"Oh yeah!" Lance says, picking it up to inspect the scope. "Man, this is so cool. Do you think I could use this as a telescope? This is _really_  fancy."

"Yes, the black bayard is very advanced - anyone else have anything to say?" Silence as everyone's eyes slowly are drawn to the Keith. "...Keith? You haven't said much about this development."

Keith's sigh makes it all the way to Lance's ear, and he puffs out his chest in defiance. "I think," he grinds out, "that you're all too _happy_  about Lance replacing _Shiro_."

He shuts his eyes.

"How can you go along with this? _All_  of this? _Why_  are we even doing this? We're going to _find_  Shiro - we can still fight without forming Voltron! Lance doesn't need to take over! What happens when Shiro comes back? You really think Lance'll step down when he finally gets a chance at glory? This is fucking- this is _bullshit_!"

"He's our _friend_ , Keith! If the black lion chose him, why should we challenge that? Shiro would want-"

"What do _you_  know about what he wants, Hunk? You're only defending him because you're friends!"

"Yeah? And? I still think he'll be a great leader. And maybe it doesn't _matter_  what Shiro would want - we have to accept that this is what's happening _now_ -"

"No! You don't understand. Shiro wouldn't want Lance to lead. Shiro wanted _me_  to pilot the black lion - if any of us have to do this, which we _shouldn't_  be doing this anyway! - it should be me! Not _him_."

...Ouch.

"Alright!" Lance says, and hops up. "Well, now we've cleared the air, I'm going to, um, I've gotta go clean my room! You know, space goo and the final frontier, going further than any other space food has gone before... Good talk!"

And he leaves before anyone can stop him.

\--

_Oh, god. Ohhh, god. Oh, christ, oh hell, oh jesus Mary and our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..._

Lance doesn't actually pray. And he doesn't go to his room, either. The observatory lounge is sort of like...a few floors up and facing west, and no one, it seems, ever comes here. It was dusty when Lance wandered across it in one of his Cleaning With Coran episodes, so he cleaned it up and brought up some cushions and a blanket, and now when he can't sleep, or he's feeling particularly homesick, he can come here and sit and stare at all these stars and know _some_ where, out there, is his family. Waiting for him. Missing him. Probably thinking he's dead.

He wants to tell them, all of them, about this madness. Talk to his sisters about space princess Allura and hot dropout Keith, enchant his brothers with stories of fighting aliens and saving some, too, talking to everyone about being a paladin and having a bayard and- and _helping_  people.

Doing so much more than he ever did at school.

They would understand, he knows. Put him through _hell_  for disappearing so suddenly, but if they believed him, they'd be proud of him.

Even if no one else is.

 _Shiro wouldn't want Lance to lead._  It's probably true. It's _definitely_  true, if Keith said it. True for probably all of them, but they're just trying to make the best of a bad situation. If Lance had to choose himself...he would make Hunk the leader. Reliable, trustworthy, can spot a bad apple, _and_  an engineer to boot. Clever. A chef. Funny. And everyone _likes_  him. Lance is like...the complete opposite. Reliable...? Probably not. Trustworthy? Lance likes to think so, but no one's yet confided their deepest secret in him, no one _tells_  him anything. They all think he's a gossip, and he's not entirely sure what he's done to give them that impression. _Definitely_  can't spot a bad apple, if that episode with Nyma is anything to go by, although Lance _was_  the first to realise something was up when he and Hunk crashlanded underwater, but... Not an engineer, _definitely_  not clever, can't cook to save his life, and some say puns are the lowest form of humour, so not even that _funny_ , and Lance has really been relying on his position as 'the funny one' to stay afloat.

 _Shiro doesn't want me to lead_. He can't get the phrase out of his head. Shiro wouldn't want him to lead, he doesn't think Lance is worthy of it, doesn't think Lance is _good enough_ for it. He's right, and Lance's earlier suspicions have been confirmed - Shiro would've chosen Keith, Shiro _wanted_ Keith to lead in his stead. When he finds out it was _Lance_  who became the black paladin... Oh, god. He's the black paladin. He's supposed to lead this team, he's supposed to lead _Keith_ , and _Allura_ , and his friends, and...

Lance just wants to go home. He reaches a hand to the stars but cold glass prevents him from touching them. Where even is Planet Earth? He can't tell from here. He has no idea where home is anymore. It's so far away. His family, his life, his Varadero beach and the room he shared with his younger brother when he wasn't at flight academy. Everything in this castle is so cold, lightyears from life on earth. He's used to heat and crowds and his mother's hugs, but he has stayed...months, it must be, on this huge, empty castle ship, fit for a family and their court, not seven- six people, a cow, and some space mice. There are whole _towers_ of this place unexplored, powered down so the balmera crystal will last as long as possible. It feels hollow. It feels...lonely.

He tugs a blanket over his shoulders in an attempt to warm up some more, still chilled from everyone's reaction. It doesn't help. He keeps his palm pressed against the glass even though the coldness seeps into his skin, wonders if maybe he pushed hard enough, he'd break through the window and into outer space, and then maybe he'd wake up and be back at the academy.

Or maybe he'd just be dead.

He gazes into the abyss. It stares back.

...Definitely dead.

What would it even matter? How long has it been on Earth? What did the academy tell his family? Do they think he's dead? Did they have a funeral for him? Are they grieving? Or are they suspicious? Are they looking into things? Surely they must realise it's not a coincidence that an alien ship nearly crashed outside the academy and that same night Lance disappears, along with two of his closest friends. Or did the academy cover it up? They weren't too interested in listening to Shiro when he divebombed home...

He presses closer and leans his forehead against the glass. One day he'll go home. One day, days or weeks or months...or...years from now...he'll go home. He'll apologise. For not being a better son. For not taking life seriously. For getting so easily distracted at the academy, for only making fighter class because Keith got expelled. He'll hold his mother close for hours. He'll tell her everything. He'll...

Not tell anyone about crying in the observation lounge. One tear, does it even count? But then they keep falling, one after another, and his hands clench into fists and he holds his breath, knows it will stutter otherwise. Shoulders shake and the skin beneath his fingernails turn white, but he doesn't make a sound. Lance makes people laugh, _at_  him, mostly. Lance is the leader, well, no one saw it coming but they all have to deal with it now. Sometimes, Lance even makes a decent shot.

Lance isn't sad. He doesn't cry. He doesn't think about home every night before he sleeps, he doesn't dream of going back, he doesn't think of his family grieving every time he gets close to death... He doesn't do any of that. He isn't sad. He just _isn't_. He doesn't have a good _reason_ to be. Keith is an orphan, he's half-galra, for god's sake he lived alone in a _cabin_ for half a year - depressing for anyone. Shiro has textbook PTSD, end of. Pidge can't find their family. Even Hunk is overwhelmed, he's still terrified of flying and he misses home and he always does is best to keep everyone in a good mood... He even left behind his almost-rock-girlfriend so he could continue their mission. And Lance just become the leader, the black paladin, pilot of the black lion...isn't that everything he wanted?

No, he isn't sad. If he shuts his eyes he can't see his reflection in the glass. If he doesn't make a sound then no one else can hear it. He can pretend, and he can keep pretending. Is he up to being the black paladin? Can he handle it? Is he worthy of it? Absolutely not, but he needs to pretend. Pretend to be the clown, make everyone laugh. Pretend to be the leader, keep everyone's morale high. Pretend he can handle it, so no one worries.

Not like they would, anyway.

He squeezes his eyes tighter. The tears are hot against his cheeks, but the room is still freezing and it makes him feel hollow inside, like there's nothing _there_ , nothing inside him, no heart, no lungs, no kidneys. Nothing of worth.

He tries to think of Keith, instead. _Gay thoughts, where are you now?_  But he thinks of Keith and all he can see is those ferocious eyes, the rage in Keith's face, how adamantly against Lance becoming the black paladin he was. So Keith hates him. He already knew that.

 _Shiro wouldn't want Lance to lead_. Well, fine, Lance decides, sniffing as quietly as possible even though he knows everyone else is far away from him. But Shiro isn't here. Lance is.

\--

Will he ever stop feeling like this? How many of these sessions in the observatory lounge does he need to have until he just accepts that he's a loser? How often does he have to berate himself and pity himself and replay everything his friends say in his mind until he just _gets_  it?

He hates living like this. Every night, feeling like his chest has caved in, because there's no one to turn to. Not with all this. He's already a stain to the paladin name, he doesn't want to ruin it further. He can't go to anyone about this. What do _they_  know about being an inadequate fuck up? Allura is the most badass princess in existence. Coran's lived through things none of them could imagine and come out the other end still smiling. Keith is the ace pilot, Pidge the tech genius, Hunk the master mechanic.

God. How many times does his consciousness need to run through this? He _knows_  he's nothing special, he knows that, he knows that, he _knows_ that already! But now it's different, now it's not: _look at all these cool people and then me_. Now it's: _look at all these cool people - how the hell am I supposed to lead them?_

Suffice to say, he gets very little sleep that night, and he knows Allura can tell when they meet at the hangars to see their lions, but she doesn't comment on it.

She does say, "Sorry about last night - I didn't quite realise how upset Keith was about this...situation."

"Not your fault, princess," he says with a smile, and she smiles back, clearly relieved, and heads towards the barrier. She'd caught him the previous night in the corridors and checked over him about outfits, and the idea of wearing Shiro's paladin outfit, the one he got _captured_  in, terrified him so much he'd agreed to casual clothes, which for Allura just means the combat suit she wears during battles, instead of her usual dress.

Allura reaches up to the barrier which shimmers to nothing before her.

"I didn't realise," she says as they both press closer and Blue's jaw opens for her, "what it felt like, to be a paladin. I _knew_  about the bond, and how the lions interacted with their paladins, but...being a paladin myself, it's...surprisingly rewarding." She smiles brighter as the stairs pop out and land at her feet.

"Yeah, it's pretty magic," he says.

"Magic," she repeats quietly, not making a move to go up the steps quite yet. "Any...advice? The blue lion took so well to you, if I recall correctly."

He looks up at Blue, remembers the thrill of finding her, of being _chosen_  by her, _him_ , of out of all of them... "You have to work with her. She's a sensitive girl, she doesn't want to be pushed around or yelled at. She'll help you if you let her in. And...look after her?"

Allura's smile gets softer at the edges, and she puts her hand on his shoulder. "Of course I will," she says warmly, and ascends the steps.

Lance stays a moment after Blue's jaw shuts, and gazes up at her. "It was a good ride, buddy. I'll miss you... I wish I could stay with you, but...sometimes what we want isn't necessarily what we get."

Her eyes blink bright, meaning Allura's settling in, so he turns away from his girl and heads over to the black lion. The biggest lion, the most intimidating. She is shrewd in the back of Lance's mind as he approaches, as if she's weighing up the decision she made to have him as her paladin.

"Hey, big girl," he says cautiously as the barrier drops. "Good to see you again. You still feeling it? You can always back out... Keith is like, right there in the castle."

More frustration. She doesn't like that he isn't accepting his role, so he just sighs and waits till her jaw drops so he can climb in and sit in Shiro's too-big seat and feel the weight of it all around him. Shiro vanished from this very seat at the end of their battle with Zarkon, and no one quite knows how. If Shiro can't survive Zarkon's wrath...what is Lance going to do against the rest of the galra empire?

"Alright," he murmurs, settling a bit more into his seat and testing out some of the controls. "Do you wanna ride, babe?"

 _Not with that attitude_  seems to emanate from Black, and he rolls his eyes.

"Okay, okay, I get it. Serious Lance, on. We gotta work together to get Shiro, don't we? You and I, Black. What do you want me to do?"

The hangar opens, and once again, Black launches Lance into outer space, but it isn't as scary, this time, because he can see Blue romping around not far away from him with Allura. Her laughter floats over the comms and makes him smile and ask, "Having fun, princess?"

"Blue is _wonderful_!" she enthuses as Blue does a sweet somersault and saunters over to meet Lance. "Oh, she's such fun! I can see why you two got on so well!"

He laughs as Blue's head very carefully presses against Black's, and Lance waves over at Allura through the windows.

"Aw, I think she misses you, Lance."

"Blue!" Lance chides. "You need to look after the princess, now, not me!"

Black approves, at least, as Blue starts tumbling elsewhere, Allura's laughter tinkling over the comms. "Wanna do some sweet flips, huh, Black?"

She rumbles in his head and starts heading for Allura. They twist past her, and start racing to the nearest planet, back to the castle ship, dashing around the whole galaxy as Lance learns the controls, listening to everything Black sends to his head and doing the occasional sweet flip, till he's hooting through the stars and Allura is cheering him on.

"You're a natural!" she says in awe, clapping as Black and Blue twist through the sky together.

" _You're_  the natural!" And she is, far more than _any_  of them ever were. But he can't be jealous, not about this - Allura grew up surrounded by the paladins and the lions, it's probably in her _blood_  to pilot these things. And besides. She's having fun. When was the last time she cut loose like this? Never, Lance is willing to bet.

Lance isn't sure how long they spend out there - a couple vargas, at most - but they race through the stars together and shoot laser beams into the endless sky, compare their different powers, and _talk_. Well, laugh, mostly. Make jokes at each other. Allura keeps being so _nice_  to him about his piloting, it's so strange and so lovely so he lets it happen, makes a joke and keeps moving. They roam nearby planets and drift through an asteroid field, but eventually they have to set down their lions and meet everyone.

"Hey, Allura?" Lance says as they pass a planet not far from the castle ship.

"Yes?"

"You remember all those bonding exercises you made us do when we couldn't form Voltron, right?"

" _How_  could I ever forget, Lance."

" _Well_ ," he says, and starts nearing the planet's atmosphere. "How about trying an extreme trust fall with your lion?"

"Oh no!" she gasps, clearly delighted. "Seeing the world through our lion's eyes?"

"Yup!"

"Did you manage it last time?"

"...Nope!"

"Lance!" But she's lining up beside him, slowly entering the planet's atmosphere and finding a clear area for them to nosedive towards. "Okay, shall we?"

"Okay. Three, two-"

"One!" And she starts charging downwards.

Well, he can't let her _win_ , can he?

...Except, this is sort of scary. Black's managed to activate the dark lens on his helmet, so he's been plunged into darkness, and he tightens his hands into a deathgrip onto the controls as his heart starts racing. Why did he suggest this again? As a joke? For a moment, flying around like that, he...really thought he could do this.

He's already rushing to the ground. So he should...try. He didn't manage it with Blue, but he never tried after the initial attempt. Seeing through Black's eyes... He feels like he's already done it before...

Despite the darkness, he closes his eyes anyway. Lets up his grip on the controls, takes some deep breaths to rid his body of all tension. He tunes out Allura's breathing and focuses on Black, on the gears in his hands, the seat beneath him, the way she looks, what she stands for.

 _What we stand for_ , he thinks, sees him and Black in his mind's eye becoming one, can _feel_  their connection growing, his soul expanding to accept some of hers. He blinks, he opens his eyes...and he sees the ground beneath him.

And he pulls up, right before he hits it.

Allura's cheering over the coms.

"Amazing, Lance! So quick! So soon! You and Black must have a really strong connection!"

He lets his chest swell with pride, since no one can see. "Did you and Blue manage it?"

"Almost! Not quite. I could _feel_  us connecting, but...we were just a second too slow."

"We can always try again..."

She laughs again, and Lance won't deny it's maybe the most beautiful sound in existence - but everything about Allura is beautiful. "No, no, we should get back to the paladins... Oh, I can't wait to show them what I can do with Blue!"

"Hey, blue paladin... " He says after a moment.

"...Yes, black paladin?"

"...Wanna race back to the castle?"

"See you there!"

She's already blasting off, but Black rockets after her, and she lets out an indignant huff as he passes her, muttering under her breath to Blue to speed up.

"Sorry, princess, I wasn't _lion_  about how great a pilot I was!" he calls as he roars towards the castle.

Laughing a little, she says, " _How_  many times are you going to make that pun?"

"Well, since I'm winning, I think I get to use it as often as I like!"

"You are _not_  going to win!" she shouts. "Come on, Blue! You're not making me lose because you still like Lance, do you?"

"Yeah, that's it!" he says as he closes in on Black's hangar. "It's not my brilliant flying ability, _oh_  no!"

"Blue! He's beating us!"

"I have," Lance says as Black smoothly enters the hangar and sets down, "already beaten you."

She huffs again, and by the times he's out of Black, Blue has set down in her spot, and Allura blows out her jaw and rushes up to him. "I can't believe you won!" she says, looking genuinely astonished, but her eyes are bright and gleeful, like a child presented with their favourite toy.

"Ace pilot," he says, grinning back. "Remember? Best in his class? First paladin to get his lion?"

"Maybe," Allura says, "Black is just naturally faster than Blue, so it was never possible for me to win in the first place."

"What? _No_. It's definitely my superior flying skills."

She smiles, and looks set to leave for the control room when she stops, and turns to him again. "Lance, I... Thank you for this. For suggesting this. I...had a lot of fun out there, and it was good for the two of us to get a hang of our lions without the others. And, if possible...I wouldn't mind doing it again. I'm sure you have a lot to teach me about Blue."

Heart thudding, Lance says, "Wow, uh, um...thanks, Allura. I- yeah, that'd be great! I- you probably have loads to tell _me_  about the lions, too!" Is he blushing? He's definitely blushing. Oh, god, protect him from pretty people, the second they're nice to him he forgets how to function.

"And...also..." She sighs, the joy leaving her face as she looks away, twists her hands, worries her lip. Looks back up to him. "I'd also like to apologise for my own behaviour," she says, and he raises a brow. "I was very rude to you when you emerged from the black lion - I was just in a state of panic, and I took it out on you and insinuated you weren't worthy of piloting her...but what I saw today - everything you accomplished in only two vargas... If we can't have Shiro, I can't think of a better pilot for her. I'm sorry for what anything I said which might have made you think I didn't see you as worthy of her."

Lance blinks a few times in shock, tears welling quickly in his eyes in surprise before they're pushed back down and he breaks into a grin. "Princess, what gave you the impression I was upset? I knew you'd catch on eventually that Black and I are meant to be."

"Right," she says, rolling her eyes, and looks, once again, like she's set to leave- and then she opens up her arms and takes Lance into an embrace.

His face is on _fire_.

"Thank you for understanding," she mumbles into his shoulder, then pulls away. "I'd forgotten what it was like, to be free like that... I really hope we do go out in our lions again, Lance."

"Yeah," he says with feelings, "so do-"

"Are you two coming or what?" comes a voice from the corridor, and when they look over, they see Keith standing there, arms crossed, looking furious. "We've been waiting on you for a whole varga!"

"Oh, have you?" Allura says, and hurries over, Lance following. "Apologies, Keith, Lance and I must've lost track of time... You won't believe everything we already accomplished this morning. Will he, Lance?"

Lance falls into step beside her and smiles. "Nope! But he'll be in for a shock when he sees me in action." He flicks a smirk to Keith, who glances at him for only a moment before staring determinedly ahead, his cheeks turning red with anger.

"Now, come along," Allura says, speeding up and taking the lead. "Time to speak with the rest of the paladins!"

The door to the hangar slides shut behind them, and, tossing another look to Keith, Lance hurries after her to find the others, and start the day with them.


	2. absence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keith adapts to the change in leadership

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternatively titled: Keith Is Gay Keith Is Gay Keith Is Gay Keith Is G
> 
> i thought i was going to be subtle about it, but then i realised i had complete creative power over this and could make keith the pining lonely lovesick lance-lover of my dreams.....so i....did....
> 
> anyway. me, an idiot: posts story two fucking days before going on holiday to italy for a week, when she has the chance to write in a journal she writes a scene from the future not the 2nd chapter. so sorry lol. thats why it took a while. however i can inform u all that italians r assholes, so pidge is also an asshole. in a good way.
> 
> tw for discussion of parental abandonment, minor panic attack, very minor character death mention, mentioned car accident...? thats it i think.
> 
> if anyone's interested, my entire soundtrack to writing so far has just been the staves and the be more chill musical lmao. enjoy!

My solid ground  
Feels so paper thin.  
Where do I go  
Where do I go  
Where do I go?

[Horizons](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_hs1rn3qyg), The Staves.

\--

Keith can't believe it. He can't believe- _any_  of it. Ever since Shiro disappeared, something's been wrong, with _every_ one, not just him. The energy about the whole castle changed, suddenly everyone was busy, isolated, dealing with their grief. He almost _liked_  it that way, being left alone to punch bots and train in peace, except for when Lance would wander in and try and engage with him. Keith had taken no notice of that, which is maybe why he's so surprised by _this_  - because apparently Lance has been wandering the castle and keeping tabs on everyone, and decided him _self_  to figure out Shiro's absence.

As if they all hadn't been doing that in their own private ways. What the hell did he think Pidge was doing? Playing videogames? And maybe Lance _thought_  Hunk was going into overdrive with the cooking, but how else would any of them eat? The only person who knows how to prepare space goo is Coran, and he and the princess have been busy looking over star maps and plans stolen previously from the galra to try and deduce where Shiro went.

 _Lance_  is the person who hasn't done a single thing to help, and _some_ how, he gets the black lion.

It feels wrong. Deep in his bones, Keith can't shake it off, he can't look into Lance's blue eyes and find the security he found in Shiro's. It's- it's supposed to be _Shiro_. And Keith didn't agree with him, Keith doesn't _want_  to do it, but- but Shiro had asked Keith to take his place if anything happened. He asked _specifically_  that Keith do this job, that he wanted _Keith_  to do it, and it doesn't really matter what Keith feels - it's some strange urge of his, if Shiro's not here then the least he can do is follow Shiro's will.

What else is he supposed to do? Follow _Lance_ , who antagonises him daily just because he's jealous? Who turns everything into a competition and acts like a child when he doesn't win? Who's...handsome, and funny, and caring to his friends. Who's clever and rational and come up with plans that injure their enemies the most whilst saving as many lives as possible. Who maybe makes jokes at Keith's expense, and sometimes provokes him for fun, but...who makes him smile.

Lance, who, at this very minute, will be out in Shiro's lion, prancing about with Allura, testing out what it means to fly as the black paladin. Taking Shiro's place. Taking the place Shiro wanted for Keith.

It infuriates him on a level even he can't comprehend, it's confusing, it's _scary_  - as if Keith has a strong grasp on handling his emotions, anyway! What's he supposed to do with all this? Missing Shiro, practically a brother to him, not being able to obey his only wish for Keith, being angry at Lance for taking initiative, being impressed, getting lost in his eyes the second he dares chance a look at him...

Oh, _god_...

He has to do something. After last night, he'd wound up in the training room, and wore himself out, and now he's still in bed, limbs heavy and brain soft, and if he doesn't get up soon he's just going to keep thinking about Lance and his stupid eyes and his annoying face and get even more upset about this whole situation.

He doesn't bother wearing his uniform, just showers and tosses on his usual clothes before heading out to the kitchen, where Hunk, thankfully, has already concocted a feast worthy of kings.

"Heya, Keith!" Hunk calls, waving.

"Morning, Hunk," he replies, takes a plate and sits with Pidge, who's slowly draining a mug of space-coffee with dead eyes. "Morning, Pidge."

"Ugh," they say, and has another swig.

With Pidge out of commission until they're caffeinated, and Hunk concentrating on cooking up breakfast for the others, there isn't much opportunity for conversation. Keith isn't even sure what he'd say: _what the fuck_  encompasses most of his feelings at the moment, admittedly with a somewhat shameful side of _do you think Lance will look hot in the black paladin outfit_ , which is something he really doesn't want to get into at the moment.

Eventually he asks, "Where's Coran?"

"Up in the controls room," Hunk says, "keeping an eye on Lance and Allura."

"He can see them from here?"

"Nah. He's got the telescope out. Say the lions can be temperamental when their paladins shift, and he wants to know if something goes wrong."

"...Oh," Keith murmurs, and ducks his head, wishes his heart didn't leap so instantly at the thought of Lance in any danger whatsoever.

"If they don't come back in the next half-varga, we're to go upstairs and wait for them with Coran. He'll get them on the comms and ask them to come down."

Keith nods, and murmurs his thanks. Pidge, who's finally looking a little more awake, says, "I can't believe this is happening."

"Yeah," Hunk says, and sets down his kitchen utensils to cross his arms on the cabinet and look over at them. "It's pretty wild."

"I just..." Pidge sighs. "I love Lance, a lot, you know? He's a loser and a shameless flirt and he makes dumb jokes, but he's my friend, and...I can't help but wonder what'll happen. The biggest position of responsibility he had at school was leading our team, and..."

"He crashed every simulator," Hunk says with a smile, and Keith's brow perks. "But that wasn't _only_  his fault. I always got sick, and you kept breaking the rules..."

"You _always_  got sick!" Pidge laughs, rolling their eyes. "And anyway, some rules were made to be broken."

"Uh, I don't think the rule _don't hack into the academy's servers to change your flight simulation to flying on an alien planet_  was supposed to be broken, Pidge."

Frowning, Keith asks, "You did _what_?"

"It is the _dumbest_  story-"

"It's not dumb! Don't listen to him. Look, it was Lance's birthday-"

"Oh, I forgot that! Yeah, it was his _birth_ day, so we decided to do something special-"

"Something funny! He always wanted to explore the planets, I mean _duh_ , we were enrolled in _flight academy_ , so I programmed our sim to make it so we were flying over Venus, instead of the desert."

"We got in _so_  much trouble," Hunk says, but he's smiling, his eyes warm with remembrance, and it makes something raw in Keith's heart go cold. "But it was worth it. You remember how he kept laughing?"

"He just went for it... We failed, but it was still our highest scored sim," Pidge agrees, grinning too. "I... But leading Voltron isn't going to be anything like that."

Hunk sighs, and Keith's heart clenches further. "Yeah...he acted excited, but I could tell he was worried...and the way he walked out at the end..." He shakes his head, and Keith tries to shrink the heavy wrecking ball bashing his ribs to ruins as he remembers the way Lance's expression had completely changed last night when Keith yelled at him. All that tightly-held-together confidence just shattered, his eyes wide and mouth slightly open, and he was _hurt_ , Keith _hurt_  him...and then he walked out. "I checked his room, you know. He wasn't there."

"Me too," Pidge murmurs. "Just before I went to bed. He wasn't there, then, either."

Hunk closes his eyes, and Pidge stares down at their empty coffee mug, and for a moment, it physically _hurts_  Keith, the pain on their faces, the worry, the fear. They- how old even are they? Keith's age or younger. Saddled with this- responsibility, with looking after their friend. At least Shiro was an adult, who'd led expeditions before and visited distant planets, but they're just...a bunch of kids, really. In comparison to Shiro, to Coran, even Allura, mature beyond her years (although...ten thousand?).

He doesn't know what to say to them. Can't apologise, because he's not _wrong_ , but... And besides, he doesn't know Lance like they do. He doesn't even know why he _cares_  so much.

Ugh, this is why he lived alone in a cabin for a year! He doesn't _do_  friends, he can't handle relationships, and he _certainly_  doesn't know what to do with weird crushes on boys he sort of hates but is also kind of obsessed with and once Lance smiled at him and he did very nearly swoon and...he's pretty sure that isn't normal. Is that normal? How is he supposed to know?

They eat in silence after that. Hunk takes a moment for himself before spooning goo into three separate bowls for Lance, Coran, and Allura, and they take them up to Coran to wait for the others.

They do get to look through the telescope, though. When Keith looks, he spots the lions roaming over a not too distant planet for a moment before they plunge too far into the atmosphere to see, and Coran takes the telescope back, spooning goo absentmindedly into his mouth.

Pidge takes their seat, and Hunk leaves the bowls of food goo on the blue and black paladin seats, then sits on the floor in front of Pidge, kicks his legs up on their lap and waves his feet into their face to make them laugh, and Keith stands by the window, wondering if it's possible to catch Lance and Allura through the naked eye alone. He spots them eventually, winding their way playfully towards the castle.

"Oh!" Coran says. "Looks like they're on their way back!"

And Keith, without pause for consideration or discussion, turns his back to the window and mutters, "I'll go get them."

It doesn't take long to hurry out the door, ignoring the way Hunk and Pidge both stare after him, to navigate through the hallways, and reach the hangar, where...

Lance and Allura are...flirting?

...Is Lance straight after all? Keith doesn't need this right now. But Allura's smiling up at Lance, joking with him about the speeds of the lions, and Lance is grinning back, his voice confident and charming when it reaches Keith's ears. He keeps to the shadows, jerks back further when it looks like Allura's going to come over, but she stops, turns back to Lance. Thanks him, asks him if they could do it _again_ , alone. And Lance...blushes. High in his cheeks, he scrubs a hand through his hair, which, _god_ , and he agrees to it.

Allura apologises for what she said when they found him at the black lion, and Keith crosses his arms, bites in cheek to choke back the anger. Why is she apologising? She was _right_  to be upset, or suspicious! But what if she _does_  like Lance? Maybe that's why she's suddenly being so nice?

One thing she says sticks horribly in his mind: _I can't think of a better pilot for her_. Is she being honest or just trying to make Lance feel better? And does she really believe it? Does she think Lance is a better pilot than Keith? Or does she mean as a leader? Lance is- Lance has a lot of flaws. But he's definitely a better leader than Keith. He's able to _talk_  to people, for one. And he's actually funny. He isn't impulsive like Keith, he's not reckless, not hot-headed like him. Measured, sometimes. Cautious, at others. Better than Keith, sure. But the others...?

 _This can't get any worse_ , he thinks, except then suddenly Allura _hugs_  Lance, and he's clearly flustered for a moment before returning it, and Keith just has to- just has to _deal_  with it, standing there, _waiting_  for them to-

Except he came to collect them. He can stop this at any time. It hurts in a peculiar and distressing way, makes his heart drop and his lungs sag, his eyes feel weird, he has to take a deep breath. Lance's face is very red, and he's replying to Allura, and Keith- he can't stand it, he really, _really_ , can't-

"Are you two coming or what?" he demands, walking out into the open in an attempt to not seem like a creeping weirdo. "We've been waiting on your for a whole varga!" He's pretty sure. He's still not entirely sure what a varga encompasses, but Allura's eyes go wide in surprise, so he can't be too off.

"Oh, have you?" Allura says, and comes to his side immediately. Keith feels satisfaction wash over him for a moment before he shakes it off and Lance comes over. Allura apologises, but Keith can't focus on it, it's harder every time these days to not look at Lance, at his tousled hair and his big jacket, and the way he smirks at Keith, their eyes meeting for a moment, in a way that shocks his heart to the core, and he has to look away lest he turn as red as Lance did with Allura. Even focusing hard on the corridor ahead, he feels his cheeks heating up, and prays Lance isn't still looking at him. "Now, come along!" Allura's chime shatters Keith's thoughts. "Time to speak with the rest of the paladins!"

She hurries along the corridors, leaving Keith and Lance a half-step behind her, and he can _feel_  Lance glancing over at him every so often, but he- he _can't_  look. Shaken at the thought of Lance and Allura together, and at Lance becoming the black paladin, and the shame with thinking maybe Lance _would_  make a good black paladin, and _Shiro_ , of all the people in the world Keith doesn't want to betray _Shiro_.

Lance and Allura halt at the entrance to the control room, so Keith just pushes past to go sit in his seat, Hunk and Pidge both scrambling up from the floor where it looks like they were both just...lying down for a while, and Coran finishes putting the telescope away to turn round with a brilliant smile.

" _So_...?" Coran asks as Lance and Allura come down the steps and stand by the chairs. "Did you bond with your lions?"

Even without looking directly at them, Keith sees Lance and Allura look at each other before Lance beams and says, " _Did_ I?!"

Hunk whoops in the background, and Keith takes Lance's momentary distraction to just _look_  at him, bright-eyed and smiling that wonderful smile, confident and warm and sunny, the kindness in his eyes, the joy.

"I knew you could do it, buddy!" Hunk exclaims, jumping out of his seat and bounding over. "How what it? What was it like? Did you feel like a leader? Was it amazing?"

"It was _incredible_ ," Allura speaks up, and when Keith is able to tear his gaze away, he sees her smiling, too.

"Yeah, what was it like in Lance's shoes?" Pidge asks, joining them.

"It really was just incredible!" she enthuses still. "Oh, we flew around and we compared our powers and we did the trust fall!"

"Woah!" says Pidge. "Like we tried when we couldn't form Voltron? Didn't Keith and Lance argue so much last time that they both crashed?"

"That is _not_  what happened," Lance says. "It was just friendly competition!"

Keith scoffs, but doesn't otherwise retaliate, embarrassed by how easily Lance had distracted him back then.

"So did you guys do it?" Hunk asks.

"Oh, I didn't manage it, but...it was only my first outing," Allura admits. " _Lance_ , however..."

Wide-eyed, Hunk says, "Woah, _really_? Lance, you actually...?"

Lance nods. "Hell yeah! It was amazing. I just" - he shuts his eyes - "and then I" - he brings his hands to his temples and moves them in circles - "and then, like, I could see Black and I just _connecting_  in my brain and then I could see through her eyes!"

"No _way_!" Pidge says, and Keith's brows raise, unable to hide his surprise that Lance managed the truth fall with the black lion so...soon. So _easily_.

"That's very impressive," Coran adds from the side. "Especially for your first- well, second flight with Black!"

"Yeah," Lance sighs. "We totally had a bonding moment."

 _Ouch_ , Keith thinks, and closes his eyes a brief moment to absorb the insult. Well. Lance doesn't _mean_  to be insulting, but...still.

"It was just wonderful!" Allura says, so enthusiastically that Keith squeezes his eyes shut a little tighter. He _wishes_  he could be half as vocal about his crush as she is, maybe then Lance would realise Keith doesn't hate him at all. "Lance took so well to the black lion! Really, I can't wait for you all to see it in action."

"Aw, buddy!" Hunk says, and punches Lance in the arm, and Pidge waits until Lance has recovered to give a devastating high five, and even Coran has crowded round, complimenting him on whatever he saw through that telescope, and...it feels so wonderful, to see Lance smiling and overwhelmed by the flattery, and it feels so horrible and cold and isolating, makes him feel like the alien he partially is. Different from them. He- he _wishes_  he could be like them. Go up to Lance and congratulate him, compliment him, smile at him and just breathe in some of his uplifting aura, but he knows Lance would roll his eyes, shake his head, stop smiling. Not believe him.

"You gotta tell us all about it," Hunk says, putting his hand on Lance's shoulder and guiding him to his new seat. "Look, I made breakfast!"

"Nice!" Lance says, and high fives him, takes the bowl off his seat so he can occupy its spot, and digs in.

Oh, god, even eating like a pig he's still hot... Keith is going to have to kill him. There's really no other option.

Tearing his gaze away, he looks up opposite, where Pidge sits cross-legged on their chair, raising a brow at him. The way they wink at him is absolutely _not_  what he needs, so he staunchly ignores the way his cheeks flush and Pidge's cocky grin, and looks right to Allura, who's also ignoring her dignity for five seconds - literally - so she can inhale her food.

...Maybe it's a sign that they're meant to be. And Keith is, as ever, the Gay Inconvenience crushing on the Irrevocably Straight Fuck Boy, like in all those films he and Shiro watched when Keith came out, years ago...

If _Shiro_  were here...maybe he'd talk to Lance... _for_  him...?

No, he's being ridiculous. Stress, it's the stress. Keith has no plans whatsoever on revealing his- _feelings_  or whatever bullshit to Lance. As if he isn't arrogant enough, looking the way he does and flying the way he does, and especially now he's the black paladin, which is...stressful. It's all very stressful.

"Well, now we're all here, shall we discuss what training exercises you'll be doing today?" Coran asks, standing beside Lance's chair, hand on the back of it, like some proud uncle. "Lance?"

Just like yesterday, the second someone asks him to fulfil his new role, he looks like a deer caught in headlights for a split second before he recovers his confidence and says, "I figured we'd go up to the training room and start with the one we did last time, where we all just sit and think about Voltron until it connects? I figure it's pretty simple, and it'll be obvious if anyone has problems, and we can all talk about it and sort it out."

"After breakfast, I hope?" Allura says, running her finger round the edge of her bowl to get every last bit of space goo.

"Yeah!" says Pidge. "We want to hear about your flight!"

"Shall I go first?" Lance nods, mouth full, and Allura beams and says, "Well, it was a bit nerve-wracking at first. Blue was lovely, but I could tell she missed Lance. And she wouldn't let me order her around, I had to sit for a while and talk to her about what was going on till she'd let me pilot her. It was a bit bumpy, but... Well, we ended up doing fine! And I tried out her powers! I managed to do the ice blast, and Lance and I did some target practise on the asteroid field..." She smiles. "I always wanted to be a paladin, but...I thought it would never happen. It's- horrible circumstances, but..."

But Allura's happy, and that's what matters, is that it?

She shakes her head, lowers her eyes. "It's awful, but we cannot think of that. Now that we have a black paladin again, we must focus on honing our strengths and searching for Shiro. Coran and I have been combing through star maps, looking for possible locations... Some of the data we extracted tells of hidden galra bases that conduct experiments, but- I don't think we should go charging in anywhere. We're...in a very delicate position right now."

Allura shrugs, but time stands still for Keith. "What?" he says, eyes wide. "You've- what? But he could _be_  there, they- they experimented on him before! Why did you hide this from us? We need to-"

"Keith," Lance breaks in, putting his empty bowl on the floor next to him. He looks a little shocked at the news too, but more so, annoyed by Keith's outburst. "Allura is right. We've just barely gotten ahold of our lions - we can't go looking for Shiro if we're not in any shape to _get_  him. We don't even know if he's being held in any of those places. We _can't_  rush in."

For a moment, Keith can only glare at him, rage and hatred rushing his heart and holding it to judgement for squandering all his affection on someone who thinks sitting around doing _nothing_  is more important than actually going out and searching for Shiro. "We don't need to form Voltron every time we face an enemy!" Keith argues. "What's stopping us from going in? We've done it before! We- is your discomfort more important than Shiro?"

"Do you _really_  thinking rushing in without a plan is the best idea?"

"I think you're not the best person to be making the plans around here!"

Lance's face sours, and he says, "It doesn't matter what you think! The black lion chose _me_ , not you, to look for Shiro-"

"But you're _not_  looking for him-"

"Enough!" Allura shouts over them, glaring first at Keith then at Lance. "This can _not_  continue! Can you two stop hating each other enough to stop derailing every attempt at planning we have? Keith, I know you're angry about this, but you must accept that the black lion chose Lance as her paladin for a reason! If she thinks he is worthy, why can't you? And Lance, whilst I understand sometimes certain lines of enquiry aren't helpful, as the leader you _must_  listen to your fellow paladins, even if you disagree with them."

Silence. Lance has crossed his arms, and he's still glaring at Keith. It kind of hurts, except Keith has gotten so used to behaviour, this immaturity, that it almost glances off him...

Almost. Because this isn't _Lance_  Lance, this is leader Lance, whose words have real weight and whose actions have very genuine consequences. And this is Lance, as a leader, showing Keith how uninterested he is in even _listening_  to him.

Keith wants to get up, storm out, make a scene like Lance did yesterday, but what's the point? No one's on his side. Allura's entirely supportive of Lance, suddenly, and Coran and Lance have always had a strange friendship, and Pidge and Hunk were his teammates at the garrison, and Keith is...alone.

"I'm with Keith," Pidge then says, and Keith whips his face towards them. "We need to go there immediately. We have no idea who they could be holding, but it's still important to get them out."

"We're not going before we've gotten our act together," Lance says flatly.

"Then we'll go without you! Won't we, Keith?"

Pidge turns their furious gaze on him, and something in it compels Keith, something stronger than the irritation in Lance's eyes, the dissatisfaction in Allura's, the worry in Hunk's.

"Yes," is all he says.

"Absolutely not!" Allura cries. "You can't even get there unless I open a wormhole! Coran and I haven't even honed in on the coordinates yet! We only know _of_  them, and which quadrants they're in, not exact locations! So neither of you will run off until we've all got a stronger connection to our lions and to each other, and _then_  Lance and I will decide on a plan to infiltrate those bases, not either of you!" And then, cocking her head at Pidge, she adds, "Won't we, Lance?"

And Lance grins. His eyes are still serious, and he shoots Pidge and Keith each a look before saying, "Of course, Allura."

Pidge scoffs. " _Allura_. What happened to _princess_? You're only agreeing with her plan because you two are suddenly all buddy-buddy!"

"And you're only agreeing with Keith so you can go look for your family!" Lance shoots back. "And even if there were other prisoners there, would you care about them so long as you got your dad and Matt back? Or would you prioritise them over everyone else and their safety?"

Pidge jumps to their feet, practically fuming. "How can you even _say_  that?!" they demand, balling up their fists.

"You've done it before!"

"When have I _ever_ -"

"Guys!" Hunk finally bursts in , standing himself and going to rest a hand on Pidge's shoulder, who glares up at him but doesn't shrug it off. "Can we not fight? Allura says they don't even have the coordinates, there's no point arguing over a hypothetical. We can't go rushing out on missions - I think it just got pretty obvious that we need to do some team exercises today. So I'm gonna take the dishes back to the kitchen, and you're all gonna apologise to each other. Alright?"

Pidge sits down and crosses their arms, and Keith frowns at Hunk's words, but lets himself be placated. The need to search for Shiro, to do _something_  right by him is still so strong, tearing through his veins, but he clenches his fists and ignores it. They don't know the coordinates. They can't even search for them without a wormhole. They don't even know if Shiro's there. Hunk is right. _Lance_  is right.

A glance over to Pidge shows them sighing, reaching that same conclusion. They nod at Hunk as he passes them, and Hunk smiles back, argument forgotten. He pats Lance's shoulder and takes his plate, they exchange a few words Keith can't hear, then he collects Allura's plates and heads out.

"Alright, paladins," Coran says, standing at Lance's shoulder. "Now, there are a few good ways to apologise - it really depends on how you all see each other - friends, acquaintances, coworkers, lovers-"

" _Lovers_?" Lance squawks.

"We know how to apologise, Coran," Pidge mutters, then looks over to Lance, who is frowning at the way Coran glints at him. "I'm sorry for losing my temper and suggesting Keith and I go alone without a plan, which is always dumb and stupid. And I understand why you'd think I'd only pay attention to my family... I've definitely overlooked Voltron before to try and find them."

"Thank you, Pidge!" Allura says, and smiles.

"Thanks, Pidge," Lance says as well. "I'm sorry if I sounded like I didn't care about Shiro or your family... I care, a _lot_... I'm just trying to be a...good leader. Shiro wouldn't have let any of you run off alone if he could help it. And I'm sorry for saying that about you... I know you've done it in the past, but I also know you've changed."

"I have," Pidge says, and nods.

"And Keith..." Lance's gaze turns slowly to Keith, who scowls. "I'm sorry, too. I know how important Shiro is to you. I don't want us to keep fighting over stupid stuff anymore."

"...Fine," Keith says, because he knows it's what Shiro would want...and what he wants, too. What he always wanted. He never- even at the start, at the _very_  start when they were still in training and the pilots hadn't been classed, even _then_ , Keith never knew why Lance hated him so much. Why he was so eager to start fights, why he turned every practise sim into a competition. And here it is, Lance asking them not to fight anymore. Lance wanting it too, suddenly.

But Keith can't admit all that.

"I'm sorry," he grumbles out anyway. "You're the leader now. I should listen to you instead of complaining."

Allura's brows are raised slightly in shock, but Pidge, who's eyeing him from across the way, just grins in that knowing way of theirs. "And I'm sorry, too, paladins!" Allura finally says once she's regained her senses. "I let that get out of hand. We must listen to and cooperate with each other from now on!"

"Excctly!" says Hunk, strolling in and fist-bumping both Lance and Allura as he goes to his seat. "You guys actually apologised?"

"It was marvelous!" Coran says. "First bonding exercise complete, with stellar results!"

Keith blinks, and gapes up at Coran, who's beaming.

"Bonding exercise?" Pidge repeats.

"Was that a trick?" Lance asks.

"You lied to us?" Hunk says.

"Oh, no, of course we didn't! But we knew that dropping in that we knew of hidden bases would cause some friction, so best to get it out the way fast so we can move onto other exercises!"

"And it worked!" Allura adds, with such a charming smile that Lance visibly softens, his confusion vanishing to be replaced with an answering grin of equal charm.

It hurts to watch. Keith- isn't surprised, exactly. Allura and Lance make sense. Especially if he's the black paladin, now. They'll be working together far more intimately than they did before. They're both bright and outgoing and funny. Both blue paladins.

It would've never worked with Keith. Their supposed rivalry, though hopefully extinguished now, is no basis for a relationship. Keith doesn't even know if Lance _likes_  boys. He certainly likes girls, _this_  girl in particular. Keith wishes it didn't hurt as much as it does. Instead he can only sit, trying to seem appeased like the others, even pleased that their bonding exercise worked out well in the end, but he can only cross his arms and stew in his own self-pity. He and Lance are too different. He's too reckless, Lance isn't. He relies too much on his own instincts, too much of a lone wolf, and Lance - clever Lance who plans and coordinates the team - doesn't like that at all.

Why is he even thinking of this at all? Dreaming, as though it could ever happen. The evidence that it won't is clear as day before him.

"You coming, Keith?" Pidge asks, and when Keith looks up, he realises everyone else is leaving the room, presumably headed to the training deck.

"Yeah," he mutters, and stands. "Thanks for backing me up."

"Even though we were wrong and caused a huge argument?" Pidge asks, but laughs.

"That was a huge argument to you?" Keith replies.

"Touché." Pidge sighs though, looks away. They're a few paces behind the others, and Pidge says quietly, "I just feel like it's different. They don't know- I mean... _We_ 're the only ones searching for people." They sigh again, shakes their head. "No, I mean- they're our actual _family_. My blood and flesh family. You too, right?"

Keith diverts his gaze from Pidge's curious eyes, hunches in on himself as he walks. "I don't know," he admits. "I don't know if we are. Just, one day...my dad left, and Shiro was there instead."

"But he's still your brother. Blood or not."

"Yes."

The truth - the real truth - hurts to say. The others consider Shiro their _space dad_  or whatever, make jokes about him being the one to put a stop to their nonsense just like a father would, but it was never like that for Keith. Shiro _is_  his brother, as Pidge says, blood or not. It physically hurts to be away from him, some deep ache in his chest burrowing a hole in his ribs, deeper than before. He felt like this after Kerberos, but at least he managed to keep busy with conspiracy boards and strange markings in desert caves. Now he has to defer to _Lance_.

"I'm not ashamed to make them my priority," Pidge hisses out as the lift fast approaches, the others waiting inside for them. "But I won't let it get in the way of saving others. Okay?"

"Okay, Pidge," Keith says, and the look they exchange, determined and understanding, cements this promise between each other.

"You guys good?" Hunk asks as they enter the lift, squeezing into a space not meant for seven. Pidge crosses him to press up against Hunk, nodding against his chest, and leaving Keith to press chest-to-chest against Lance. He's in that stupid jacket he always wears, and he's looking at Hunk for a half-second before hit eyes flit to Keith, smile still hovering on his face. Keith can't bring himself to smile back, too distracted by the heat of Lance's body, the barely-hidden strength Keith can feel against him, and the weight of those eyes, waiting for a greeting, or a smile, or _some_ thing...

Keith elbows his way into turning around, manages about two seconds of Lance's chest now pressed against his back, then realises this was in fact a _very_  bad idea.

Too late, though. Pidge is already snickering, even when Keith shoots them a look, which does beg the question - how the _hell_  does Pidge know about this... _thing_ , when it took Keith the better part of two years to even admit to himself that Lance was handsome, let alone the only person Keith's ever wanted to _date_.

The doors open two ticks later, but even as Keith hurries to the training deck, the others behind him, he can't rid himself of the feeling of Lance's presence at his back, warm and reassuring like the desert Keith spent half a year in, always sand and heat, always reliable, always full of the best surprises. Lance is a little like that, he thinks, always changing and adapting, but constant at his core, and also...very hot. Like the desert.

Ugh, metaphors. Lance is like the desert because the desert is full of sand and sand gets everywhere and is irritating and it lingers no matter what Keith does to get rid of it, and then when it's gone he actually kind of misses it and wishes he'd kept some around and what happened to his cabin anyway? The academy must've found it. What did they make of his conspiracy board? Did they find Hunk's lion-counter, or was that left at Blue's hiding spot? What about the photos of Shiro and Keith he kept hidden in a desk drawer?

"Alright!" calls Coran, shocking Keith out of his trance to realise they've gathered on the training deck. "I want all of you to sit in a circle and close your eyes!"

So they sit. Lance and Allura sit by each other, whatever, but then Coran says, "It's better if you sit in your Voltron order! Allura and Keith- yes, that's it."

Keith stands, Allura shifts to sit beside Hunk, and he sits back down by Lance. Which is fine, obviously. Their knees don't even touch. Barely.

"Now, all hold hands and keep those eyes closed!"

Less fine. His eyes are open when their hands reach for each other, hanging in the air an inch apart whilst everyone else manages it just fine. Pidge, shut-eyed, is wearing their typical shiteating grin. Lance waits, eyes closed, but after a tick he opens them and glances at Keith, quirks a brow.

"Hey, Keith," he says, and Keith scowls. "Holding hands is when- look, you have a hand, right? And you just- //hold// someone else's. See?" He takes Keith's hand, and he _hates_  how violently he reacts to it, some chemical explosion gone off in his chest that he barely manages to control. Lance's hands are warm, of course. Big, too.

Very... _very_...

"Keith! Get those eyes shut!" Coran calls, and Keith does so promptly, trying to banish from his mind images of Lance's hands in his own, round his waist, wandering his...

"Now, empty your mind and focus on the connections of those around you. Feel their energy pulsing through you."

 _Or maybe something else_ , Keith's useless idiot brain thinks off-handedly, and across the circle, Pidge chokes and starts snorting out laughter. Keith can feel their absolute glee at him indeed pulsing through him, and even Hunk's mild confusion drifts across this connection. Lance is...absurdly strong, yet weak at the same time - precarious. His bewilderment, and concern, comes in waves: "You alright, buddy?"

"Me?" Pidge says, and takes a steadying breath. "Oh, _I'm_  fine, Lance."

"I don't think I like the energy you're pulsing through me, dude."

"Just got a bit distracted!" Their unending amusement at Keith's predicament comes through stronger now, and a little bit of guilt as they realise how embarrassed and...ashamed Keith is. "Sorry. I'll focus now."

Which is...easier said than done. Even Pidge struggles, trying to stay blank but their thoughts drifting constantly to their family. Hunk manages quite well, but slowly Keith feels drops of fear and concern leak out his mind, thinking of their future, of the universe around them, all those lives as of yet unsaved...

He tries to find that quiet centre within himself, the one Shiro always told him to find when he was still young and easily angered by...pretty much everything. There is a glowing core of calm tucked inside his ribs, between his heart and his soul, it is bright but it's tiny, easy to spot, difficult to tuck himself into. The world will carry on outside without him; he just needs to focus. But Lance's hand is so warm, perfectly soft and well-moisturised in his, his fingers long. Allura in his other hand is cooler, hands smaller, more compact.

Hunk perks up in his mind with interest, and he feels himself bat away at it, their connection dissipating instantly.

"Focus, paladins!" Coran chimes once more. "The aim isn't to focus on nothing, it's to focus on each _other_  and your bonds!"

 _Sorry, Hunk_ , Keith thinks, opening his mind back up, and feel Hunk jump in with enthusiasm, and Allura, too, more restrained, kinder. Her thoughts are quieter, but they punch him in the gut: thoughts of her family, long, _long_  dead, the paladins of old, of Shiro, of everything she's lost. He almost cuts her off, it feels too much, but he feels her taking solace in his own thoughts - she digs down into his years with Shiro, tucks herself into the sofa in his old cabin.

And Lance, whose waves still at their height, knocking on Keith's door.

He lets him flood in, like an ocean, like sunlight. It exposes everything, every crack in that cabin, every time he lashed out at Shiro, all those lonely moments at the garrison, which was... _every_  moment, really, and finding friendship, _family_ , in the paladins, with _all_  of them but...Lance.

Lance, who doesn't even seem to realise what he's unearthed. Instead, he sees Shiro mentoring Keith, sees Keith claiming red, running the challenges the Blades of Marmora set for him, sees him fighting on, and on, and on...

And hopelessness flushes out every bit of sunlight Lance had brought into Keith's mind. Hopelessness, envy...shame. Keith finds himself looking curiously over Lance's memories, finds family, of course, and grief, sees snapshots of Cuba and the garrison, Pidge and Hunk and even himself, and then Voltron, Blue, Allura...and this _sadness_. This horrifying loneliness and inadequacy, Keith sees a wall of glass separating Lance from everything he loves dearly, and suddenly, _ardently_ , all he wants to do is wrap his arms around Lance and tell him they will return to Earth one day, for him.

Lance doesn't acknowledge it, but Hunk does, his consciousness dipping like a leaf in the wind as thanks.

"That's it," Coran murmurs, but it is a whisper, it is lightyears away. They _are_  connecting, slowly, a jigsaw slipping in piece by piece. Keith can see them all, Pidge, Hunk, Allura, himself, and Lance, at the head, eyes closed, guiding them.

Lance, guiding them.

 _Lance_.

 _No_. It should be Shiro. His non-blood, non-flesh _brother_. Where is he? Why aren't they looking for him? Is he being experimented on again? Has Keith failed him once again?

Panic descends on him so _easily_ , Keith _hates_  feeling like this, helpless and lost and _alone_ , even when he's surrounded by people, but where is Shiro? What are they _doing_  to him? Why did Keith let it happen? How didn't they realise he was gone? They can't do this without Shiro! They're just a bunch of kids with fancy armour and weird weapons, and a ship that's so big they haven't even explored it all!

"Keith!"

But Shiro is gone, and Keith is alone. He's all alone. Where is his mother? He has no idea. Where did his father go? Will he ever find out? Did he die, did he leave, did the galra find him, did his mother find him? Why was he left here? In this wooden shack, it is so much scarier when his father isn't kicked up on the sofa with a beer watching football, or shirtless outside, teaching Keith how to kick, how to punch, how to dodge. There is a stash of food in the cupboards, did Dad plan to leave? But then again, there is always a stash of food. They don't leave this shack much. Keith is going to learn to fight, then he will learn flight. But what about Dad? Did he already learn it? Did he find a spaceship and blast off, away from Keith?

Why is he alone?

Why isn't Shiro here?

What did he do wrong?

 _Everything_.

"Keith, snap out of it! Keith, it's not real! It's just a memory!"

"Shut up!" Keith snaps, and opens his eyes.

Lance is on his knees in front of him, hand clutched tightly between both of his, eyes wide in shock. Allura hovers at his side, Hunk at his other, and Pidge is beside Keith, hand on his shoulder. Coran watches from behind, eyes grim.

"Are you okay?" Lance asks, and Keith tears his hand away.

"Shut up!" he says again, blinking furiously to ward away the hot tears collecting on his lashes. So _stupid_. He is so, so stupid!

"Keith, don't- don't walk away, Keith!"

But he isn't walking, he's running. It's different. He's not leaving, he's escaping. He has to escape, he has to collect his thoughts, when he's like this he usually goes to the training deck but he _clearly_  can't go there, so he finds a stairwell and dashes down it, runs along a dimly-lit corridor till he reaches a half-open door, and steps inside.

There's nothing inside.

Well, that's not true. There's a window, and a blanket, some pillows. Someone else comes here, but Keith doesn't care. He sits next to the pile, and closes his eyes, takes deep breaths. The cool glass against his forehead alleviates some of his fear, but not enough. It swarms down his throat and he can't breathe. All that sand from earlier turns his voice to grit, tries to fill that endless void in his chest, but it can't. There's never enough fucking sand. How long was he in that desert for, waiting?

And he got Shiro. And he lost Shiro. And he got Shiro.

And he fucking lost Shiro again.

He fucking lost him again!

He almost cries, but the sand has turned every teardrop to dust. Even the anger has dried out. All that's left is the cold, relentless fear of the long nights when the temperature plunged and Keith had to turn the lights out before the sun dropped out the sky. Keith thought he'd left that fear behind when he left that useless shack, but he finds it still clinging to him like a wet, sand-dusted shirt.

"Keith?"

He is so sick of fear. He thought he'd outgrown it.

"Keith, buddy...can I sit?"

It's Lance.

Of course it is.

"Whatever," he mutters, but Lance stands, hesitant, and _Lance's_  fear from before suddenly chimes. "I mean...yeah. Fine."

"I come here a lot, too," Lance murmurs as he sits cross-legged at Keith's side, onto one of the cushions already here. He tucks the blanket round his shoulders, and presses a hand against the glass. "You okay, buddy?"

"I'm fine."

"It, uh... It didn't look like it."

What can he say? That he freaked out? That it just happens sometimes? How can he explain that he was abandoned and that Shiro disappearing brings all those feelings to the surface again?

"I'm sorry," he mutters. "I didn't mean to fuck everything up."

Lance cocks his head and frowns in the window's reflection. "You didn't," he says softly, and Keith has to catch his breath. "You just remembered some bad shit, and had to take a breather. It's chill, dude. You wanna...talk about it?"

"No."

In the glass, Lance's face falls just a little.

"It's just...I miss Shiro."

"...I know, buddy. We all miss him."

"It's _different_. He's like my _brother_."

The emotion is raw in his voice, and Lance nods slowly, his blue eyes moving from Keith to the stars outside, his features aging instantly. "A couple years ago," he says slowly, "we had a huge family get together. We rented out a restaurant and partied. I got fucked up, really drunk, my brother - one of my older brothers, he had to haul me home. He was, uh, only a few years older than me, so I felt closer to him than any of my other brothers. We were walking home... We were behind everyone else, cause I was so drunk, and...a drunk driver swerved on the road and knocked us over. I broke a leg, but he died instantly."

... _Oh_.

"I know how you're feeling, Keith. If you wanna talk about it...I'm here to listen. As your leader." Lance pauses, glances over to him. Finally, Keith is able to turn his head and look at him properly. "As a friend."

"...Okay," Keith says, and Lance nods at him, his eyes solemn and sad, piercing to Keith's soul. "I... I'm sorry. Everything with Shiro... I just...don't know what to do. Without him. I hate waiting. I hate...not knowing."

"I do too," Lance murmurs. "But it's all we _can_  do. Rushing into things only causes damage. Shiro would tell us to take our time and review the situation. Isn't that what we're doing?"

"...Yes."

"We're not abandoning him. If we rushed in and fucked up, or set off some galra alarm, or _died_ , then we'd have abandoned him. So long as we're alive and we have leads, we're looking for Shiro. Even if we're not physically going out into some galra stronghold to do it."

"I... I _know_  that. But- I can't help but feel like we're failing him."

"Yeah," Lance mumbles. "I know."

Keith shuts his eyes.

"...You don't think I'm a good replacement," Lance says, his voice quiet but sure. "I'm not worthy of the black lion."

"No- it's just- I-"

"It's okay. I agree."

"That's..." Sad. "You are, though."

"No I'm not. I'm not Shiro. I'm not the _black paladin_. I'm just...Lance."

Keith can see it in his mind. Lance in that black paladin outfit, with his sniper rifle leant on his shoulder, grinning at random aliens of some planet they'd saved, looking absolutely heroic. Looking like a leader.

"Black chose you," Keith says, remembering Allura's words from earlier. "That means she thinks you're worthy."

"But..."

"Allura thinks you are, too. And Coran. Everyone does."

"...Even you?"

As if maybe his opinion has more weight than the others'. As if Lance _cares_  more.

"Yeah," Keith says, and as he says the word, he realises it's _true_. Lance has been practical with his plans so far. He apologised after breakfast. He came after Keith, not to fight, but to talk. "Yeah, I think you're worthy of the black lion."

And when he opens his eyes, Lance is smiling to the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pidge and keith being friends is gay/lesbian solidarity and allura and lance being friends is Bi Blue Paladin solidarity and hunk being everyone's friend is Everyone Loves Hunk solidarity and
> 
> if u enjoyed, pls leave some feedback! i lov to hear ur thoughts!


	3. adapting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the paladins continue to bond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before i talk abt this chap, i just want to say that the day after i posted chap 2, i got an incredibly rude comment essentially saying i was only writing this fic bc i stan lance (which???) and that in voltron canon, he could never be the leader. i deleted it instantly, but if any more of u feel tempted to tell me what a dumb bitch i am for writing this, why dont u take a moment to read this fic first. take a look at my pinterest board. explore my vision.
> 
> moving on! im writing this w early s3 characterisation in my mind, plus long term pining keith, so if ur not sure abt some character choices, that's essentially why. also, this reason this took a while is bc of instead of writing this, i instead wrote: 10k on a future scene from this fic; 7k on a :( au; 6.5k on a B) au. shame me as u like.
> 
> otherwise, im also a big fan of the hc that lance has adhd. a not well known part of adhd is actually rsd, which stands for rejection sensitive dysphoria which. is exactly how it sounds, and why i think lance has such low self-esteem and is so sensitive to even the smallest remarks made about him, and also explains why his mood can bounce up and down a lot. ADDitude mag explain it as 'Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an extreme emotional sensitivity and emotional pain triggered by the perception – not necessarily the reality – that a person has been rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in their life. RSD may also be triggered by a sense of failure, or falling short – failing to meet either their own high standards or others’ expectations.' and add ''When this emotional response is internalized, it can imitate full, major depression complete with suicidal ideation. The sudden change from feeling perfectly fine to feeling depressed that results from RSD is often misdiagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar disorder' just so you're aware of how intense and debilitating it can be. whilst it doesn't get very bad in this chapter, i just want u all to be aware that this sort of thing will definitely be discussed in the future, and if necessary, the tags will be updated to reflect any possible triggers.
> 
> sorry for the long chat! please enjoy!

I feel it again  
It's bigger than us  
It takes me again  
And its never enough.  
[Sleeping In A Car](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR4yBOYp98U), The Staves

\--

Having his brain rifled through by his loving but unbelievably nosy friends is one thing.

Comforting Keith? Being comforted by him in return? The two of them sitting in the obvervatory lounge for a half-varga or so, in complete silence, just relaxing in each other's company?

Another thing entirely. Lance isn't entirely sure how he got here, to be honest. But they sit quietly, staring out at the stars, thinking, perhaps, on the events that just transpired. Lance knows he is. It's _all_  he can think about. Keith has never struck him as the lying type, but he told Lance that he _does_  think he's worthy of piloting the black lion, which _can't_  be the truth.

Or at least, Lance wouldn't think so, but Keith had shut his eyes to hide a strange glint Lance had caught in them, and the very edges of his lips had lifted slightly, and when he looked at Lance, he'd smiled properly. Unusually, nicely...prettily.

Look, Lance won't deny it. He and Keith are friends now, right? For however long it lasts. Lance can say Keith is kind of cute. His eyes are big and soft grey, his lips look plush, his mullet is...not as ugly as most mullets are. If there was _any_  possibility Keith could ever be into him, Lance would be...kind of into it.

But there's no chance. Keith likes... Actually, Lance has no idea who Keith likes. Keith's never shown interest in _anyone_ , not even Allura. _Definitely_  not Lance.

And Lance doesn't like Keith. So. There's no issue.

Great! Well, Lance sure is glad he got that conversation with his consciousness out of the way, now he can focus on important things, such as: what the _fuck_  is going on, again?

"How do you feel," Lance posits, "about returning to the others and trying that again?"

Keith shrugs.

"If you need a minute, it's fine."

Another shrug. Great, well...at least he's feeling talkative.

At least they have a beautiful view. In space, the sun never sets, or rises, or- it's static, so all around them are dazzling stars, distant planets, hundreds, thousands, _millions_  of worlds they haven't even touched, have never laid eyes on. It's overwhelming. Horrifying, actually, to think about how _many_  of those worlds are under galra rule, how many lives are now counting on _him_ , on the decisions _he_  makes...

He has to push his doubts aside for now. He already let them crowd into their conversation. His doubts are for coming back here at night, when everyone else is asleep and there's no chance of being caught crying at nothing. For now, the focus is on Keith, who's distressed over whatever memory he just relived before. All Lance got was- not disdain, like he expected, or anger, but just... _fear_. Horrible, electric fear that hit like lightning to Lance's chest before Keith shut them all out and broke the connection. What on earth- in space scares _Keith_? Badass ninja sword-wielding warrior paladin _Keith_? Something to do with Lance taking Shiro's place, something to do with _Shiro_ , Lance couldn't make it out.

Keith misses Shiro. Well, shit, they _all_  do. But Lance knows it's different. Didn't he just say so himself? Lance lost a brother too. In a more permanent way than Keith's ever lost Shiro. It's unlikely, Lance thinks, that if Shiro survived a year of galra imprisonment before, he wouldn't survive now. There's no doubt in his mind that Shiro lives. Black knows it, too.

So maybe Keith misses Shiro the way Lance misses his family back on earth. The tangible connection of blood or something like it between them, the years of memories that shaped them into who they are now, the second-guessing of every word, every action, without family to encourage them.

Lance doesn't know if Keith has any other family. They weren't friendly at school, _obviously_ , so it's not like they ever chatted about it, and even though they're on somewhat better terms now, Keith never shares. Lance doesn't recall Keith having many friends at school at all, actually, if any. Can't remember seeing him being picked up by parents or showing photos on his phone to others about that one time his older sister skateboarded down the pier, hopped over the barrier, and jumped straight into the sea for the vine or _anything_  like that.

...Maybe that's just Lance. The point remains.

Lance is considering what to say next when Keith says, "If we...go back. Will we do that same exercise again?"

_Ah_. Well, that's fair. Lance didn't like feeling the others in his head either, even though he's supposed to trust them unconditionally. Allura was fine, she roamed the edges of his thoughts and didn't pry, but _Hunk_  couldn't resist the chance, god love him.

And Lance won't deny that when Keith finally opened his mind, he was pretty desperate to learn more about the mystery behind the man, but all he'd seen was excerpts of Keith being brilliant, being fast, being the perfect fighter.

Things Lance has never been. Can never be.

He replies to Keith: "We don't have to, but we almost had it. If you think you can't do it, we can save it for later, but...we were really close."

Keith seems to ponder this, chewing on his lip and staring out the glass, but he doesn't say anything.

"What was...the trigger?" Lance asks. "Of, you know- _that_. If we- know what it is then we can...work on it?"

It was himself as the black paladin, he's pretty sure, which is why Keith continues to avoid his gaze, ducks his head further as he admits, "It was just...weird to...see us all following you, not...Shiro."

Which is fair enough. It's fair! Lance gets it, he understands, he feels the same way! Shiro and Keith are brothers! Keith doesn't even _like_  Lance, of course the idea of forming Voltron with Lance at the head is weird!

...So why does it hurt so personally? Why can't Lance shove aside his own _useless_  insecurities for once to focus on the person that's actually upset? This isn't about Lance, no matter what upsetting things Keith might say. If Lance wants to be a good leader, he has to put his team ahead of his own idiocies.

"I know, man," Lance says, then squints at his reflection in the window. That's pretty useless to say. "I mean...we're all right there with you. Maybe try not to...focus so hard on me. But Pidge and Hunk and Allura are all in this together with you, okay? Part of being in a team is...leaning on each other. So. If me leading is upsetting, just...look to the others. I guess. And you can...find strength in them."

Keith frowns. "Yeah, I guess," he says, and Lance knows that nothing he said was helpful.

"I mean," Lance tries. "I mean, the issue is that Shiro asked you to pilot Black, right?"

A nod.

"Well...why don't we go talk to Black now?"

"But she already chose you."

"She might be up for a chat, though."

"Uh..." Keith slowly removes his gaze from the stars, and looks to Lance. "Yeah. Okay."

"Okay!" Lance says, and hops up, holding out a hand that Keith eyes warily before taking, and Lance helps him up.

"What about the others?" Keith asks.

"I dunno," Lance says, "they've already waited like, a half-varga... I think they can wait a little longer."

Trotting down to the hangar doesn't take too long, thank heavens. Lance darts glances at Keith, but Keith is always looking forward, not interested in him, not interested in assuring or soothing his nerves. Keith walks like he doesn't care for anything, sure of himself, strong of stride. You can look at that walk alone and see a leader right there. Unfortunately, Lance thinks, you'd have to _only_  look at the walk, considering the rest of Keith's character traits: doesn't get on well with others, reckless, acts before thinking...

Ace pilot. And definitely _working_  on the teamwork thing. And dedicated to the cause. A Blade of Marmora.

Ugh. Maybe Keith is the better leader. Well, he definitely is. But he definitely has his downfalls. Ultimately, it's Black's decision: if she looks at Keith and decides Lance isn't worth her time, so be it. If she has a chat with Keith and they come to an understanding about Lance, even better.

If Black refuses to accept Keith near her and insists solely on Lance being her pilot, well, then...Lance would only be smug about it for a few doboshes.

When they enter the hangar, Keith heads straight for Black, but Lance takes a moment to stand at Blue's barrier, staring up at her lightless eyes. Having felt her in his consciousness for so long, it feels strange to stand here and feel nothing, nothing but sadness, emptiness. She doesn't lift her barrier, doesn't open her jaw and let him in, embracing him as one would a long-loved family friend. She is a statue commemorating the biggest turning point in Lance's life; she came and she changed him and now she is still before him.

"Lance?"

Right. He's here for a reason. He pats the barrier twice, smiles up at Blue even though it hurts, and joins Keith at the barrier to Black.

_This_  barrier, at least, lifts instantly at his touch. Keith watches on, eyes widening slightly as it happens, and follows Lance as Black extends her jaw and allows them entrance.

"You wanna sit?" Lance asks, standing back to allow Keith in the seat. He does so, and even Lance can admit it looks- _wrong_ , Keith looks almost too small to sit there even though Lance can't be much bigger than him. He rests his hands on the controls, but there is no response, and Black recoils in Lance's head.

"Ouch," Lance mutters, "chill out, will you? It's just a test."

But Black thrashes in his mind, almost _painfully_ , and it's only when Lance lets out a hissed _fuck_  and clamps a hand on the back of the pilot seat does Keith twist round and realises there's an issue.

"Shit, Lance," he says, and gets up, "what are you- what's- is something wrong?"

"Uh," Lance says, and blinks, takes a breath as Black relaxes, stretches out in the back of his mind. "I'm sorry, dude. Black, uh...was really not into that."

"Was I really that bad?"

"Not... _bad_ ," Lance tries, but Black hisses in his mind, and he says, "I mean. Just. Not what Black wants." He rubs at his temples, and slips into the seat as Keith moves behind the chair. "Fuck, Black," Lance murmurs, petting the console. "If you don't like someone you don't need to be an asshole about it."

She's definitely rolling her eyes.

"Come on, babe," Lance urges, "at least talk to him? His brother piloted this lion. He might have valuable info."

She considers it.

"And don't mentally punch my face again just because I let another paladin in here, okay?"

_Hm_ , emanates from their connection.

Lance just rolls his eyes back at her and stands. "Try again," he says to Keith, who's brows have risen during this exchange. "She doesn't bite, trust me. She's just...very stubborn."

As Keith sits, he says, "I would've thought the black lion above all that."

"Yeah," Lance mutters, "I wish."

This time, when Keith sits, his eyes soon drift shut in a way similar to Lance when he first entered the black lion; in fact, within a few seconds, Lance feels himself being drawn into it, too, this strange connection between him and Black and Keith, it feels different, strangely intimate... He's only every been connected like this with Keith when everyone _else_  is around; even with Black a solid presence between them, it feels...too much. Too close, for them. Like this, Lance suddenly sees through all of Keith's success, his wins, his skills; he sees the doubts that lie behind it all, the constant worry for Shiro, the long-lived grief for his absent parents, and the _fear_ , of being left alone, _completely_  alone...

Keith can tell that Lance is feeling all this, and Lance knows _that_  because he can feel Keith in _his_  head, digging up- different moments. Lance stepping in when Pidge ran their mouth back at the academy; looking after his younger siblings on the beach when the rest of the family were tired; spending days in Hawaii with Hunk, surfing with him and talking with him all night under the stars. Times when Lance maybe crashed the sim, but pulled off some killer manouvre no one else had yet mastered; when one of his sisters came to him sobbing about losing a friend to homophobia; standing at his brother's grave, fists clenched, mouth shut as he wept.

...Why does Keith care about _these_  memories? What is Black playing at?

It takes a moment, but soon all Keith's memories are about _Shiro_ , about being found by him one day, growing up with him, Shiro making fun of his mullet and Keith making fun of Shiro's crush on his classmate, Shiro making fun of _Keith's_ crush on his classmate, Shiro being a good brother, a good pilot, and a good leader.

Black is looking for the information Lance promised her. She brought him in so he could see it all, too, which leaves Keith free to root around in Lance's head, pulling out whatever memories seem interesting like a drawer of old photos and going through them as he pleases. Lance doing his sisters' nails, Lance in the ocean, Lance sitting by the observatory window, hand against the window and weeping silently-

Well, great. Cool. Wonderful. Brilliant.

_Black, can you hurry this up?_

Sensing his request, she obliges instantly, disengages and shoves Keith out the connection so it's just the two of them, discussing. The overall gist seems to be: _nothing helpful_. Nothing that will aid their quest, and in all honesty, Lance didn't expect much. Keith wanted to see if Black would take to him, and that he might have useful information was just an excuse so Black wouldn't keep punishing his brain for letting Keith try. The fact is, Keith _wouldn't_  have any useful information at all, because Shiro didn't leave of his own volition, he was _kidnapped_ , and unless the galra are actually some kind of hivemind that Keith's secretly been in on this whole time, there's no way he would know anything about that.

Black huffs in the back of his head, and Lance shrugs. _So it's a no for Keith?_  he asks her, and she radiates that same love and protection he felt when he first sat in the pilot chair; the black lion is for Lance, Lance _only_ , no other pilots or paladins, until Shiro's return. She doesn't care if Keith or Allura or _anyone_  sits in that seat; she won't move an inch for them.

When he opens his eyes, Keith is out the pilot seat and staring at him. "What the hell was that?" he demands, and Lance frowns.

"What the hell was what?"

"You pushed me out!"

"I didn't do anything! Black did it!"

"You told her to do it!"

Lance's gaze shifts to the side. "Yeah, I asked her to be hurry up. I didn't tell her to cut you off."

"Then why did she?"

"I don't know, dude! I guess she didn't find anything important."

Keith crosses his arms and exhales heavily through his nose, but says nothing more, clearly displeased. Lance isn't sure what to say; some childish part of him wants to keep yelling at Keith, but he knows better. He can't let himself get upset about these things anymore.

"She was, um...really clear about me being her paladin, not you... I'm sorry dude."

Keith sighs. "I know," he mutters. "I could feel it, too."

"So..."

"So...fine. Whatever. I get it. Can we go?"

They might as well. Black's bored of them, uneasy with Keith so angry in her cockpit, and the others will still be waiting for them on the training deck. He nods and Black opens up, but this time the walk back to the deck feels twice as long as it did on the way down.

Keith says, "I didn't realise you had such a big family."

"Huh?" Lance says, blinking at the sudden topic of conversation. "Oh, yeah. Yeah, pretty huge. Not to mention aunts and uncles and _god_ , all my cousins. I have _so. Many. Cousins_. I had an app on my phone to keep track of them all."

Frowning, Keith says, "Do you think they're all looking for you?"

Wow, cool. That's...a fun thing to talk about. "Uh...I dunno, dude," he admits. "I don't even know what... They might think we're dead. Or the academy covered it up... I hope..." He exhales softly. "I _hope_  they're looking for me. I hope...they figured it out. That we're not dead. That something's going on. Your cabin's still out there, and Hunk's mums are pretty tenacious, they won't go down without a fight... And people are already interested in the disappearance of Pidge's family, when it comes out they're missing too..."

Keith _hm_ s. "If I figured something out," he says with some certainty, "others will too. The galra ship was pretty huge. They must've seen it back at the academy."

"I guess we'll never know," Lance mumbles. "Not unless we go back."

"There's nothing left for me there," Keith says, and Lance can't help but wince and wonder if that's the truth: the fact is he doesn't think _any_  of them know what happened to Keith's dad, if he lives or if he died or if the galra took him or... But maybe that doesn't matter. Keith hasn't known for years; he's probably moved past it at this point.

_Maybe_. Except peering into Keith's mind, wandering round his darkest secrets, it didn't seem like he'd moved on at all.

Lance probably shouldn't ask about it.

He's interrupted from making a _definitely_  rude and unnecessary comment on potential daddy issues by Keith making his own rude and unnecessary comment: "Do you go up to the observatory lounge often?"

God, Keith sure is keen on humiliating him today. "I already said, didn't I?" he counters. "When we were up there."

"...You seemed upset."

_Yeah, no shit._

"Well," Lance says in an effort to keep things amiable between them, "there's a lot to be upset about."

"Like your family?"

Lance keeps his eyes firmly ahead. "Yup."

"You really miss Earth that much?"

Is he being purposely an asshole or has Keith never been homesick in his life?

"It's just-" Lance stops, because he has no idea what to say. It's just all he ever thinks about? It's just the main reason he has to go cry in a dark room in absolute silence when everyone is asleep so that he won't get caught? It's just his whole _life_ , gone?

But then an angel appears, turns the corner before them and breaks into the most beautiful smile. "Guys!" they say in their gentle, honey sweet voice. "I found you!"

"Hell yeah, honey bear!" Lance says, and rushes towards Hunk, who anticipates his goal and scoops Lance up into a bear hug off the floor. "Sweet angel, please _save_  me from this devil child!"

"Aw, what did Keith do this time?" Hunk says, squeezing tight enough to break a rib.

"Nothing!" Keith says from behind.

"What _didn't_  he do?" Lance sighs melodramatically, patting Hunk's shoulder so that he'll let him down. "Nah, nothing awful. What's up?"

Hunk places him on the floor and lets go, turning back the way he came and says, "Uh, you guys were gone pretty long, so I went investigating. Thought if I couldn't find you maybe we'd have lunch."

"Didn't we have breakfast a varga ago?"

"Meh, second breakfast."

_Fair enough_.

"What did _you_  guys do?" Hunk says, then grins. "There's a _lot_  two paladins can do if they're left alone for a half-varga, huh?"

"We didn't do anything," Keith mutters, catching up with them, and when Lance glances over, his cheeks have gone all red and flushed again. Dude gets angry a lot, huh.

"We had a chat," Lance corrects him. "And then we hit up Black to talk about her latest decisions."

"And?"

Lance shrugs as if it was no big deal. "Not much. Black reaffirmed how much she loves me, but she let Keith have a little sit for a dobosh."

"Oh yeah?" Hunk says, and looks over to Keith. "How was it, buddy?"

"Fine," Keith mutters, and when he says nothing more Hunk glances over to Lance, who holds out his hands in the universal _I dunno_  way.

"Uh," Hunk says. "Cool!" The silence they bear for a mere minute is excruciating, but Hunk, angelic as always, asks Lance, "How was your flight with Black, though? You never told us!"

"Oh yeah!" Lance says, and starts going into pretty extreme detail about his decision to go see Black yesterday; how he started the day as usual, awoken by Kaltenecker's gentle mooing, removed his facemask, had a shower, had breakfast et cetera et cetera...but Hunk, angel he _truly_  is, listens to it all, plays along with Lance's ridiculous storytelling to the point that Lance has only reached first getting in Black when they arrive back to the training deck.

As the door slides open, Keith brushes past Lance and hastens towards the others; Pidge is playing some Altean version of the PSP on their back, and Coran is knelt behind Allura, dutifully braiding her hair whilst she reviews a holopad.

"No distress beacons," she says absentmindedly as Lance and Hunk traipse over to Pidge. "No communication attempts, not even any threats from the galra... Don't you think that's strange?"

"In how long?" Lance asks as he peeks at Pidge's game over their shoulder.

"Since we defeated Zarkon," Allura says. "Have the galra taken such a bad hit that they no longer have the forces to invade other worlds? Are we just very luckily in a moment of some peace?"

"Is there any peace when the galra are still around?" Keith points out, and Lance rolls his eyes.

"Well, yes, that _is_  my point... Why is there such silence? By this time I would've expected _some_ thing, but...is the universe really just giving us time to get used to our new leadership? I can't trust it."

"Then don't," Lance says. "But if we're not getting any information we can't do anything except strengthen our bonds. And when we _do_  get info, we need to make sure we can trust it."

"But how?"

Lance blinks, and realises everyone is now staring at him. "Uh," he says, "I thought that was Pidge's area of expertise."

"...Right," Allura says. "You can double-check our comm channels, won't you? Later. We've barely done any bonding."

"Of course, princess," Pidge chirps.

"Keith and I had a chat," Lance says, "and we thought we'd try what we were doing again? Since we almost had it."

So they all sit as before, Coran raising to his feet to observe and everyone shuffling back into place. That much time can't have passed since Keith and Lance went wandering, but the atmosphere already feels so different; Allura's gotten antsy and seems to still be worried about the silence, and Keith won't even look at Lance again, closes his eyes and holds his hands out and leaves it to Lance and Allura to reach out and close that gap. Hunk can see this, glances nervously to Lance, but he can only shrug. Pidge picks up on the interaction, too, but they don't say anything, just looks over at Keith with a frown before closing their eyes.

At least it doesn't take as long to connect as before. This time, the others' intrusion into his mind feels more natural, not nearly as scary as a varga ago. Hunk is less prying, this time; he revisits memories of the two of them in their dormroom at the academy, staying up late watching movies and sneaking out to the city to meet whatever dates they'd managed to secure. Pidge does the same, but they feel much more nostalgic, _sad_  even, looking at the three of them huddled over homework or bickering over some minor incident that had ended up crashing their sim. Allura watches in awe at the most _random_  things, at the rain, the sea, Lance surfing on the crest of a wave or staring at a microwave, waiting for his food.

And, as Lance had encouraged, Keith pays more attention to the others than to Lance, and when he _does_  have a sift through, he again chooses only positive memories to isolate and examine: mostly Lance with his family, but also calling out the right answer in class, saving the balmera when Keith could've ruined it.

Maybe Keith is just trying to see whatever it is Black sees in him. Trying to find security in this strange situation, some way to lessen the fear. If Lance being a good brother, a good teammate, helps, then... Well, Keith can have at it.

Lance focuses on the others. Tries not to delve into their memories exactly, but just _feel_  them in the back of his head, the way he can feel Black, who's purring warmly as he works. All five of them, a team. Lance may be at the head but that doesn't really mean anything. He may call the shots now, but he can't do it alone. He can't do _any_ thing alone; he needs the others. His friends, his space family. His own is still in Cuba, waiting for his return. Until then, this bizarre crew - space princess, weird uncle, ex-rival, best friend, and partner in crime - will have to be Lance's new family.

_Yes_ , he thinks, or, they all think it, them and their lions and even with his eyes shut Lance can _see_  it, the five of them coming together in near-perfect harmony, to become Voltron. Keith with his sword, Pidge with their shield, Allura with her ice blast and Hunk with his strength, and _Lance_ , right there in the centre, manoeuvring them as he sees fit.

He can make it work. In this moment, infused with the core of everyone else, held up by their talents, empowered by Black's total belief in him - in this moment, he feels like he can really _lead_  these people, who have talents that far outweigh anything Lance can do, but he can bring them together. He can coordinate them, and he can find Shiro, and he can help out whoever _needs_  help on the way.

He knows it. They know it.

Coran, _very loudly_ , knows it also: "Absolutely wonderful! Oh, quiznak, look at you all! Oh, goodness, I'm getting a bit weepy over here, isn't this perfect?"

Which breaks their concentration, but when Lance looks up, Hunk and Pidge are beaming at him, and Allura is gazing teary-eyed up at Coran, before she jumps up and leaps into his arms.

"We always knew you could do it!" Coran crows in Allura's ear, and she holds him tightly. "You're going to be the best paladin the universe has ever seen."

They're both still crying, and Lance now suspects it's for a much deeper reason that he'd suspected, so he turns back to the others; specifically, Keith, who is staring at both his hands before Lance wrapping an arm round his shoulders brings him out of it.

"We did it, buddy!" Lance says, and Keith stares at him without animosity. "Not as hard as you thought, right?"

"...Right," Keith says, and before Lance knows it, Keith is actually smiling at him - a tiny, soft smile that turns Lance's heart three times bigger. "Your advice actually...helped."

Lance grins. "I knew it would!" he says, and Keith seems buoyed by his enthusiasm. "Now we just have to test we can _actually_  do it."

"But not," Coran interjects, "before we do some more exercises on the ground! I want you all changed and back here in five doboshes."

Face falling, Lance says, "I thought _I_  was leading this!"

"Four doboshes!" Coran says warningly, and Lance rolls his eyes, takes Keith's hand when he stands and offers it, and gets to his feet.

\--

The black paladin outfit didn't disappear with Shiro. They have _replacements_ , apparently, just in case. So whilst the others run to their rooms to grab their outfits, Lance and Allura follow Coran to some side room from where they first found the outfits in their glass cases. A blue one for Allura, since Lance still has his own in his room, and the black one for Lance. It turns the weight of responsibility into such a physical thing, he turns away from Allura and changes with sluggish arms, grows a second, thicker skin that hurts to pull on.

He does it anyway, and despite the validation they'd attained in the previous exercise, it hurts to look up at his friends and register the surprise on their faces as they return and see him in this outfit, this colour so strongly associated with Shiro, and he has to hang his head like some kind of apology.

"Looking good, Lance," Hunk says, and smiles when Lance looks up at him, but Lance can't ignore the sadness in his eyes, the way they drift over to Lance's black shoulders.

And unsurprisingly, Keith has gone stiff and awkward again, no trace of that smile on his face anymore. Looks pretty impossible that he'd smiled like that at all. Lance wonders what he sees. Shiro's face superimposed over his? Or maybe someone who can't hold up to Shiro whatsoever?

Coran refuses to let them linger, though. Allura appears, looking resplendent and radiant in the blue paladin uniform, and Lance can't even let himself be sad, or bitter, because it _does_  suit her, the brightness of the colour, the vitality. She beams at them all, and it seems to raise the mood significantly. _She's_  being positive about this, why can't the rest of them? She and Coran chat all the way back to the training deck, where they resume team bonding exercises.

Lance can't remember having ever been worked so hard in his _life_. What's the big deal? They definitely didn't do this the last time they failed at forming Voltron. Coran has them doing all sorts of team-building exercises: the maze one and combat ones where you only defend your team and what Lance thinks might just be a space version of dodgeball. All that, a lunch break mid-afternoon, and only _then_  do they try out the lions.

Which is fucking exhausting. Lance can admit that, right? All he does is sit in a lion and say shit, but it feels like so much _more_  than that.

Going down the shoot from the bridge isn't so scary. It's the same as with Blue, except black. And then he pops into Black's cockpit, which isn't _tremendously_  scary since it's the fourth time he's been there. It feels good to activate her properly, this time, to sit there in his new uniform and his helmet on, opening a quick comm with Allura to check she's all good, then coordinating lift off and leaping into space.

"Alright!" Coran says, and the particle barrier bubbles round the castleship. "Good luck, paladins!"

... _Exhausting_.

Forming Voltron is the easy part. About five minutes into being shot at by Coran's lasers, Lance calls for it, and it's pretty much the same as before except Lance is in a different place than before. There is a certain- _weight_  about it, he won't deny that. Something about _leading_  them, he can _feel_  them following in the back of his mind, ready to integrate with him, that makes this process far more daunting than ever before.

Everything looks different from the head.

Allura is yelling, "I'm a leg, Hunk!"

"You're a leg, Allura!"

"You're a leg, too!"

"We're both legs!"

Pidge laughs hysterically, and Coran says, "Come on, now, paladins! You've got to focus!"

"Coran, I'm a leg!"

"Yes, princess, and a very blue one at that. I'm about to turn on our defence system, alright?"

"Hold it a moment," Lance asks. "Give us a minute, yeah?"

So Coran waits, and they all take a moment to stretch out in this new configuration, Allura in particular understanding her powers and limitations, whilst Lance feels...a little overwhelmed by all the power in his hands. It's too much for him. An ocean in his hands when he could only ever carry a puddle. It leaks, it spills, it's going to drip through the cracks in his fingers and he's just going to make a mess of it all. But at the same time, Black is in his head telling him he _won't_ ; Hunk at his side, gently encouraging; even Allura, having the time of her life, spares a moment to tell him she believes in him.

Well, it doesn't matter if he can't handle this. He has to tell himself that he _can_  do this, otherwise he'll have a pretty instantaneous breakdown. He can do this.

He _has_  to.

Then Coran starts the ion cannons, and Lance doesn't have any _time_  to worry; he has to act.

It's not difficult; not at first. Despite the reshuffling, mostly everyone is used to what they need to do; they dodge, deflect, Allura uses her ice beam to freeze part of the barrier and Keith and Lance work together to smash the sword through it, breaking through the barrier with a cheer before Coran presses a few buttons and it knits itself together again.

"Good team work, paladins!" Coran says. "But you've got to work harder if you want to beat the galra!"

As if this wasn't hard enough. Lance didn't realise the strength needed for piloting the black lion, let alone working with the others to manouvre Voltron. Why didn't Shiro ever _say_  anything - sometimes it's excruciating, juggling four other voices in his head, as long well as Black's, as well as his _own_  thoughts. He's half in charge of every move the others make, senses Keith going to swing the sword and decides in a split second whether that's a good idea or if he should adjust the angle or if maybe they should let Hunk bring out his big gun and just shoot it. How is he supposed to balance all this whilst watching out for the enemy and for traps and whilst coordinating with Coran and even the Blades, if they ever aid them? How the quiznak did _Shiro_  do it?

How the _hell_  is Lance supposed to do it?

But he tries his best, and they do a good job, not receiving much damage and getting in a few wallops and blasts on the particle shield for a while, then Coran starts upping the difficulty quite fervently, calling ideas out over the comms, half of them incorporating Altean commands that only Allura understands. She then tries to communicate them to the others, except they're coming up with their own plans, and they're all getting frustrated in general, especially when they begin taking hits.

"Pidge!" Lance calls as he sees a beam coming their way and jolts Voltron to the left. "Can you _please_  get that shield out! Allura, can you start freezing up the barrier? Hunk, I need that gun, now!"

Because he _can_  send his commands to them via their fun psychic link with the lions, but sometimes they just...ignore him. At least if he yells, Coran or Hunk will hear and start backing him up.

"On it!" Hunk says, giving Lance a one-handed thumbs up through the comm screen before plugging his bayard in. Pidge has gotten the shield up, so Lance allows them to be relatively stationary so they can form the gun, and Allura starts blasting the barrier with ice.

"What do you need me to do?" Keith asks, and Lance realises he's the only one left out.

"Nothing, Keith," he says, trying to stay patient despite apparently needing to state the obvious. "We can't wield a gun and a shield and a sword all at the same time, you know."

Keith begins to quite heatedly reply, but Lance spots Coran manoeuvring the ion cannons to form a single powerful beam to fire at them, and starts encouraging Hunk and Allura to get them moving away from it. Allura struggles a little with the multitasking, the ice beam going wild for a second before she stabilises and starts jetting them away from the cannon's aim, all whilst freezing up chunks of the barrier.

Once Coran's blast goes astray, Lance yells, "Shoot!"

And Hunk, warm and comforting in the back of his mind, realising his intentions, aims the gun at everything Allura's frozen and starts shooting.

Lance hoots as the barrier breaks into pieces. "Hey!" he calls, feeling their conjoined elation manifesting throughout his body, cheering with his arms and closing his eyes. "We did it! We beat it! We-"

Which is how Coran gets one last shot on them that breaks Voltron into five lions again.

" _Lance_!" Keith yells as Red gets thrown back.

"We almost had it!" Allura calls, going the opposite direction.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry!" Lance says, flipping Black so he's facing the castleship again. "It was an accident! I got distracted!"

"The black paladin cannot be distracted in the midst of battle, Lance!" Coran Coran the evil man chides from his warm safe comfortable multiple-amenity-equipped castle. "Again!"

So they form Voltron, keep fighting, Coran raises the difficulty, they fuck it up. Again, again, _again_. Lance thinks briefly but frequently that he's losing his mind.

What's he going to be like in the middle of a real battle?

"Oh my _god_!" Keith roars after Pidge doesn't get the shield up in time to prevent another hit. "Are we _done_  yet? We're obviously not getting this!"

"Yes we are!" Lance retorts. "We're doing fine! Coran just keeps jacking the difficulty up!"

"We used to win against way worse enemies when Shiro led!"

"I'm fucking aware, Keith! I'm doing my best, here!"

"Well do _better_ -"

"Can you two _stop_?!" cries Allura, and then they're blasted again, and Voltron dismembers.

"I'm not doing this again!" Keith says, and starts flying back to the castle.

"Come _on_ , Keith!" Lance yells.

"I'm tired," Pidge says. "Can we just stop? Have dinner? Try again tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Hunk adds, and Lance sighs, knowing he's lost them. "I'm pretty hungry, guys. I don't think we're gonna get anything more done today."

"Coran?" Allura says, and Coran nods on the screen.

"Alright, paladins," he says, and lets the barrier down just before Keith flies into it. "You've done an excellent job, really. I wasn't being fair."

"Damn right you weren't," Lance mutters as he heads to the tallest turret, slamming off his comm screen so he doesn't have to look at the surprised hurt on Coran's face. If they were at home, the sky would be dark already; if _he_  was at home, mamá would be calling him down to help cook for the huge meal she'd be preparing for them all. Life would be _easier_ , on all fronts.

He parks Black. She hums in the back of his mind, warm and soft as though petting his hair, _well done_ , she whispers, _you did fine_. He tries to be rational, but the fact is: he didn't. They had one breakthrough and never again. And he knows it's a feat that they even _formed_  Voltron with him at the head, repeatedly, but he's still disappointed that they couldn't even beat the castle they've been living in for...

However long. Lance doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to bother with dinner, either, but his stomach is grumbling and Black gently chiding as he drags himself over to the speeder so he can reach the bridge. He'll go eat, he'll listen to Coran's feedback, he'll tell Allura she did well, he'll shamble off to his room and let Kaltenecker moo him to sleep. That's all. He'll rest, he'll feel better in the morning.

The speeder comes to a stop and he leaps up to grab the T-lift, and it's not long before he pops up on the bridge, where everyone else is gathered.

"Ah, there you are!" Coran says, and offers him a hand up. Lance takes it, pulling off his helmet and holding it under his arm as he turns to the others. "I should apologise for going so hard on you all today - just got a bit carried away, I suppose!"

"It's fine, Coran," Allura says, holding her helmet in her arms, hair tucked up in a bun. "Just remember some of us are a little new to this next time."

"Yes, yes, of course, princess." Coran turns to Lance and asks, "How are you feeling, Lance?"

"Tired," he admits, keeping a hand on the back of the black paladin seat to remain balanced. The other three are standing together - it looks like Hunk and Pidge might've been reprimanding Keith before Lance appeared - and they look over as Lance yawns.

"Yes, the black lion demands the most energy from her pilot when she's flown, especially in Voltron! And you all flew so long today, no wonder you're exhausted! Why don't you go get changed and I'll make some nice dinner for you all! I'll even follow one of Hunk's recipes!"

"Sounds good," Lance murmurs, blinking a few times before sluggishly heading to the exit. As he leaves, he hears Hunk take Coran aside and inquire about which recipe and what Coran intends to do with it and _no, not that way_ , and then it fades out.

Pidge catches up to him as he heads down the corridor and asks, "Hey, Lance, you doing okay?"

"Just tired," he says, as another wave of exhaustion almost knocks him off his feet. "Need to eat."

"We'll have dinner soon." They watch him for a moment as the two of them walk along, and behind them, Lance can hear Allura and Keith having a hushed argument. "You did a good job, you know. It must've been really hard, forming Voltron and stuff when we're all used to Shiro doing it."

"Yup," Lance says, and stumbles a step, his helmet dropping to the ground and bouncing ahead of them. He shoves a hand against the wall, manually righting himself, as Pidge hurries forward and grabs it.

"You sure you're alright?" they ask as they take his arm and start moving forward again. "You seem, uh...off."

"Just the..." He yawns once more. "..flying. Ugh, I'm just tired."

"...Okay," Pidge says. "But, um. You really did do a good job today. I know it was just practise, but...yeah."

"Cheers, Pidge," he mumbles, thanks god as he sees his door coming up on the left. "See ya later."

"Yeah. Dinner, alright?"

He hums in acknowledgement as he trips through the door, removing his armour in a haze and peeling his chest and arms out his undersuit as he falls back on his bed. Kaltenecker approaches, sniffing, and Lance reaches up a hand and slams a button Pidge installed that delivers some hay and grass down a shoot for Kaltenecker to munch on. Kaltenecker takes a moment to bump his nose into Lance's face and moo softly in his ear before heading over, and Lance, intending to change and eat dinner with his friends, instead falls asleep instantly.

His exhaustion is so great that his sleep is dark and deep, too full for dreams, but not _so_  great that he doesn't wake up what can only be three vargas later to the sound of an alarm ringing through the castle and Allura shouting at them to come to the bridge.

Lance jolts upright, loses balance, and falls off the bed. He jumps out the mess of the blankets, his brain and muscles still tired despite the nap, and pulls the undersuit back up his chest and arms, grabbing pieces of armour and pulling them on, piling them up with his helmet as he runs out his room and down the corridor, where Hunk is hopping out his room, pulling on one leg of the undersuit, and pauses for him to catch up.

"What is it?" Lance asks as they both start running, putting on their armour as they go.

"I dunno, dude! I ditched after dinner!" Hunk replies. "What happened to you?"

"Out like a light, dude," Lance says. "I got Kaltenecker his food and fell asleep."

Hunk whistles, and they scamper onward to the bridge, where everyone else is standing and waiting. Allura and Keith are standing perfectly in their paladin uniforms, whilst Pidge is still putting on the last of their armour. Hunk and Lance stop in the door, armour forgotten as they stare up at the star map on display.

Half of what they're looking at is flashing red.

" _What_ ," Lance says, but Allura quells him with a look.

"We have," she says in a clearly measured tone, " _quite_  the situation going on."

"Get your armour on, lads," Coran says. "You'll need to get to your lions."

And without a single word more, Coran powers up the defence systems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i read either on the website or the vld wiki that piloting the black lion takes a lot of energy from the pilot, so i imagine the first time having a proper Go at it would like. fucking kill lance rip.
> 
> also re: some of the memories, ill quickly say im a white scots gal w very little knowledge of cuba/hawaii/japan etc, im trying to be mindful of stereotypes whilst also respecting the culture. i think it would be very in-character for lance to surf a lot, and in a post someone wrote abt being mindful of hawaiian stereotypes re: hunk, it said that pretty much every hawaiian did do a number of stereotypical things, such as surfing, so i didn't find it any stretch of imagination that the two of them would chill like that together??? but?? if ur cuban or samoan like...anything u tell me is gold! otherwise, skater sister and lesbian sister are the same, and technically this au exists in an au of our current world where vine never died and instead the mcclain clan took over it.
> 
> anyway! i think that might be one of my first cliffhanger endings ever. ? i hope u all enjoyed! pls leave feedback if u can, it feeds the soul <3


	4. disoveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keith discovers his initial concerns about lance leading were, perhaps, unfounded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sajdajdkld im sorry this took so long i ended up writing two fics instead ;;;;; and also i started uni a couple weeks ago, lol, so !!! but uh for real. if i can be honest. last chap i mentioned getting a shitty comment on chap 2, and it was actually that comment that made it rly difficult to do this chap. i kept thinking abt what they'd written, whether i was making lance ooc just bc he's my fave and i was making him too perfect, if i was getting the plot right etcetc... i tried to write this so many times, trying to, like, prove that commenter wrong, and in the end, it was my initial plot idea that led me to finish this chap. like. if i hadnt gotten that comment and stuck to my og plan this would've been a lot faster. so moral! just don't be a dick i guess. its not difficult.
> 
> uhhh otherwise...tw for injury, blood, mention of corpses, and infrastructure damage (??).
> 
> enjoy!

Just for a minute  
The silver forked sky  
Lit you up like a star  
That I will follow.  
[The Lightning Strike (What if This Storm Ends?)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0BDS0-ZwOw), Snow Patrol

\--

Forming Voltron wasn't as bad as Keith thought it would be.

That doesn't mean it was _good_. It was uncomfortable, a little scary, a lot like taking a step in the darkness and not knowing where it'll fall, that moment before your foot lands on solid ground and you think _what if there's nothing there_?

What if Keith needs to lean on Lance in battle and there's nothing there?

It's not that Lance does a bad job. Keith's aware of that, okay? Lance did pretty fucking good. Part of Keith is even proud of him for the way he handled everything, for coming up with the idea of using Allura's ice beam to weaken the shield, and then Hunk's extra-strong gun to take it out. He _knows_  it's not Lance's fault for struggling to keep up as Coran kept moving up the difficulty. He could feel Lance weakening in his mind, how tired he was getting, how worried and scared that he was failing. The frustration at Coran and the irritation as everyone stopped paying attention to him, the hopelessness when he had to yell to get their attention.

The anger when Keith started shouting at him.

_Part_  of Keith is proud. The other part is screaming that this isn't Lance's place - it's _Shiro's_ , his fucking _brother's_ , the one person in the godforsaken universe Keith can count on!

And not Keith's place. Being in Black's cockpit was...weird, especially with Lance standing right there, half-slumped across the back of the seat as he communicated with Black. She was...unsympathetic in his mind, curled up around Lance and baring her teeth at Keith. She rifled through his memories, found nothing of use, Lance asked her to back off, she got rid of Keith. It was weird, and bad, and Keith gets it, okay? Shiro was wrong, he's _not_  meant to be the black paladin. Black is really, _really_  keen on it being Lance.

So fine. Fine! At least he disappears during dinner. Keith had been a bit behind him as they returned to their rooms, Allura badgering him about being less aggressive about Lance being the leader, and he'd seen the way Lance had nearly fallen flat from exhaustion; even Pidge, from the sound of it, was worried. Then Lance went to his room and never came out, and everyone else talked over dinner and Pidge said _yeah, he looked really tired... Like_  really _tired... Is that normal?_

And so _Coran_  had started talking about how fucking exhausting it was to pilot the black lion and Hunk was like _man why are we doing this we're only teenagers_  and Coran had gone _oh!_  and explained how it was obviously worse for _fucking teenagers_  because their bodies were having to adapt and work twice as hard as an adult's body, and their mind also, and _oh, it makes sense why you all struggle with the mind connection so much!_

Yeah, thanks, Coran. Great that you brought it up _now_.

So everyone worries about Lance. Keith, too. After some good food, his frustration starts to dissipate, especially as the others start going over the better points of their excursion, and Keith thinks about how Lance must really be exhausted, and how scared and sad he seemed in a lot of the memories Keith saw, even the happy ones, and how Hunk had ended up assisting Coran with the dinner and Lance _still_  hadn't come through for food. Shiro, at least, was a grown man, with legit piloting experience that wasn't just sims at school, he'd gone through hell and back and he was obviously _scarred_  by it, but he was stronger.

Stronger than any of the rest of them put together.

Of course Lance is fucking exhausted.

Keith considers going to see him after dinner, but Allura sidelines him as everyone gets up with a little smile and a tug on his sleeve, and as Pidge starts tinkering with the comms systems and Hunk and Coran clean up, they stand by the window and stare out at the stars.

"Keith," she says, and he sighs.

"I know."

"Let me speak-"

"I _know_ , Allura. We already talked about this."

"No, _I_  talked about this, and _you_  stormed off in a huff. Can we actually discuss today, or are you going to run off again?" The look she levels him with is stern and unforgiving, so Keith takes a deep breath and nods. She raises her brows.

"Yes, we can discuss this."

" _Good_. Now, I thought you and Lance talked today, and went to see the black lion. Didn't you?"

"Yes."

"So what in Altea happened? I understand you're a little..." Her eyes wander for a moment before she settles on, "... _hot-tempered_ , but were we not in a _training exercise_? Was that not his first time leading us all?"

"What are you even talking about? I was _not_  the only person getting angry," he retaliates, crossing his arms tightly against his chest.

" _No_ , but you're the one who lashed out, and talked about how _Shiro_  was a better leader," she says, and Keith's mouth twists as he remembers that particular line. Yeah, fine. That was shitty. "Really, Keith. Can you please have some more tact? _None_  of us are Shiro."

"I know that!"

"Do you? We are _all_  grieving his loss-"

"His- how can you even _say_  that? He isn't _gone_ , we're going to get him back!"

"Of course we are! But we need to accept that Shiro _is_  gone until we find him again! And therefore we _must_  accept Lance as our black paladin."

"I'm _trying_!" he lashes out, and Allura levels him with a sharp look and goes quiet. The stars, as always, are immense and extensive and wonderful. Keith always knew there were aliens out there. That sounds weird to think, but it's the truth: he knew as a child and he knew growing up and he knew staying in that tiny shack in the desert on his own, that there were aliens, that something extraterrestrial had happened to Shiro, that it was soon coming to Earth. And he was right, wasn't he? He was right the whole time.

He's trying, okay? Lance seems a little like an alien sometimes; Keith never knows quite what to expect from him. It's like he grew up on some other planet, or maybe it's just because of his family. He grew up surrounded by people that loved him, and what did Keith have? A few people, in and out of his life as they saw fit. It's not the same. He and Lance are so fundamentally _not the same_  - it's hard to imagine being led by him. That's all. They're so different.

Keith likes him anyway, so what does that say about him?

Probably something stupid.

"It's difficult," Allura finally murmurs after a period of relative quiet. "But I understand it's very trying for you. And if you do ever want to talk about anything...I'm always here for you all."

He doesn't believe that for a second. Still, he says, "Sure," and glowers some more out the window.

She sighs, but says no more. Instead, they admire the stars before them; Keith wonders if Allura has seen them before. Evidently, she hadn't been to Arus prior to waking up their in the castleship; how much of this universe has she really explored? Did her father ever take her along on missions? What did her mother do? Did she handle the diplomatic side of royalty or was she a warrior, also? Both, like Allura?

Does she miss them? Is Keith being unfair to her, by not only being insensitive to her no doubt endless grief, but riling up fights with Lance anyway despite their conversation this afternoon?

He should say sorry to her; he's _going_  to say sorry to her, except he's interrupted before he can open his mouth:

"Hey, Allura?" calls Pidge, and she finally moves away from him with a single clap on his shoulder. "I don't understand what these symbols mean. Is this good or bad?"

Allura kneels by Pidge's set up, Coran peering at it from behind them, and starts frowning. "Hm," she says, and Keith looks away from them.

Aliens are real. Stars are endless. Lance is sometimes his friend. Things he couldn't reach on Earth fall into the palms of his hands, and he doesn't know what to do with them. Lance has asked for his friendship; is it so hard to just give it to him? Keith _wants_  to; Keith tries to. But- but what? Some deep, unrelenting part of him can't let it happen, not like this. Not when Lance is taking over as black paladin, now when that should be _Shiro's_  place. At least Shiro always understood where Keith was coming from, at least he could calm his fears and cool down his hot tempers; Lance can't do any of that. Lance doesn't _know_  him, and it's scary to imagine a world in which he _does_.

In which he knows every part of Keith, fucked up and broken and _lonely_.

A little, Keith thinks, like Lance himself.

"What?!" Allura exclaims after who-knows-how-long, and when Keith turns around, Pidge's holographic screen is flashing red, and Coran is scrambling to get their star map up. Allura flies to the ship's controls, starts tweaking their comms channel. "How did they- how is that _possible_? Quiznak- Coran, turn the alarm on. Paladins, we need to change immediately."

Pidge puzzles longer at the set-up, typing things in and and examing the results, but as Allura passes them, she hauls them up to where their uniforms are normally kept.

"Come _on_ , paladins!" she says, and Keith hurries after them. "This is an urgent situation! The galra have intercepted out comms channels - that's why it's been so silent!"

"They've done _what_?" Keith asks as their uniforms pop up, and everyone starts changing.

"They must've done it during the battle against Zarkon," Allura says, sounding shocked.

"There are messages that date back that far," Pidge confirms, only half-dressed as Allura and Keith turn back to controls. Hopping after them, they say, "Our last comm link with them was infected, and it took over all our channels. Everything coming our way has been blocked - there are distress signals coming from _every_ where."

"It's worse than usual," Coran confirms, the star map of the quadrants surrounding theirs glittering red. "Almost every inhabited planet in the quadrants around us have requested aid, due to current or oncoming invasion. It looks like a planned attack; the galra have systematically taken over every quadrant around us without us so much as hearing a peep!"

"Oh, heavens," Allura whispers, then heads back to the comms system and turns on the loudspeaker. "Paladins, get to controls _now_! We are in a state of emergency! Lance, Hunk, we need you here _immediately_! I repeat, we have an _emergency_! Get to controls _now_!"

She turns it off, shaking her head, and says, "Coran, open channels with the closest planets to us. We need to get a firm grasp on the current situation."

"On it, princess," Coran says, and starts dialling up channels on his interface.

Keith stands by Pidge, who's kneeling at their set up, absentmindedly pulling on bits of armour as numbers run down the screen.

There's nothing for Keith to do except stand and wait for orders, but he keeps an eye on who's doing what: Pidge frowning, Allura going through their blocked comms, Coran attempting to establish a connection with literally _anyone_. It only takes two minutes for Lance and Hunk to arrive; together, of course, pulling on their armour, helmets under their arms.

And then Lance speaks.

"What the _quiznak_  is going on?"

The star map flares red. The alarm blares loud and harsh every second. Coran's attempts to open comms with nearby planets ends up in blasts of static through the speakers. Allura is furiously patching through old messages.

"They've been blocking our comms channel," Pidge provides, and Lance goes to stand by them, frowning at the display. "I'm not sure how, yet - looks like they managed to plant a bug in our system that prevented us from receiving transmissions, and without us _realising_  it was there."

Panic flares in Lance's eyes, and he says, "And what does that _mean_?"

"All these planets," Allura says, pointing at the area around their ship, "they've been attacked and invaded by galra forces. While we were focused on what to do without Shiro, these people have been enslaved! They could be _dying_!"

"The galra have targeted directly surrounding us," Coran informs Lance gravely. "Everywhere we turn, there'll be more people to save."

Lance presses a hand to his forehead, eyes wide. "Okay," he says, "okay... Why would they have done that?"

"To strike at us while we were still weak," Keith says, trying to be helpful, but Lance doesn't even look at him. "They were probably trying to overwhelm us."

"Yes," Allura says. "So that even if we did find a replacement for Shiro, we would be scrambling to deal with this situation."

Lance nods and takes a deep breath, looking up at the star map. It's a horrible sight, their whole system is glittering red with only some planets on the outer rim still blue and peaceful. Keith feels anxiety ball up in his chest as he watches Lance react to it; his brows contort and his fists start clenching, eyes dazed.

And then Hunk stands next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. "I know it's pretty scary," he says, smiling a little even though his own fear is obvious in his eyes, "but you can do it, Lance. It's just like at school, remember? We're doing a pick up run on Kerberos. You just need to decide how we're gonna do it."

"This is a bit bigger than a pick up run," Lance says, unable to pull away from the map.

Keith can only watch in amazement as Hunk smiles still and says, "Buddy, how much harder can it be? This is nothing we haven't done before."

"Think about what Shiro would do," Coran advises, turning away from his station slightly to look warmly at Lance. "How does he react when caught by surprise? Does he panic?"

"...No," Lance says, and takes another deep breath. "No, he doesn't panic. B-but-" He stops, buries his face in both his hands. "Fuck," he says, voice raw. " _Fuck_ , I can't do this. I'm not Shiro."

Hunk and Pidge exchange worried glances, and Pidge hops up and goes to Lance's other side. "You have to," they say. "You're the only one who can." Hunk shoots them a look, and they say, "U-uh, I mean...I really think you can do this, Lance. You may not be Shiro, but...you're a good leader in you're own way."

" _What_  way," Lance says, hands sliding down his face until he drops them by his side. "What can _I_  do? I'm just a boy from Cuba, I can't _do_  anything! I'm not a leader, I'm not Shiro, the black lion was wrong! I can't do this! How did we not realise what was happening? What am I supposed to do _now_?"

"Lance!" Keith says, and the three look over to him. "You can't think like this. Shiro wouldn't want this. You need to resolve the situation, not panic."

"How the fuck do I _not panic_?"

"It's simple," Allura says, not moving from her station, but gazing at Lance. "Just breathe, Lance. Think about home. If they were in danger, what would you do? Would you panic? Would you try and save them?"

"I-I... I'd try and save them. Obviously."

"So how would you do it?"

Lance takes another breath, stretches out his fingers, looks at them all. "Do you really think I can do this?" he asks, with a slight bitterness in his tone that reminds Keith of all that shame and self-hatred he'd peeked at during the mindmeld.

"Obviously!" Hunk says, and Pidge nods, grinning.

"Of course you can do it," Allura says. "The black lion _chose_  you."

"You're a brilliant young man," Coran says, smiling softly at Lance. "I think you can do anything."

And they all slowly turn to Keith, torn between his need for Shiro to lead and his ridiculous _feelings_  for Lance that make him want to rush up and hold his face and say _of course, of course, you're wonderful, I know you can do it_.

He settles on, "You're a good leader, Lance," and Lance hesitates then nods, and takes deeper and deeper breaths till he's calmed down. The transformation is almost impressive, the way Lance coats himself in this second skin, this pretence that everything is alright, and he smiles as though fear doesn't exist and Keith wonders how often he's _done_  that before, if he's worn it before and Keith never saw through it. Lance looks at Pidge's set-up before he surveys the scene, Allura now focused, Coran a little frantic. At Hunk, peering at Pidge's screen also, then to Keith, cross-armed, doing nothing.

"Okay," he says, and Keith sees a plan forming in his eyes. "We can't panic, because that's what they want. And we can't rush anywhere, either - Coran, what's your status?"

"I'm paging nearby planets, but nothing's coming through," he says as static comes through again. "The most likely conclusion is that they've already been conquered or otherwise harmed by the galra, and therefore cannot answer our calls."

"And Allura?"

"A lot of the transmission we received were indeed about galra forces attacking: small but deadly groups that hovered for days before invading, it seems. It looks like they've spread their forces thin in order to capture as many peoples near us as possible."

"They knew we were too busy panicking about Shiro to pay attention to stuff like this," Lance summarises. "And that when we found out, we'd be overwhelmed. We can't help all these people right now." Allura goes to speak, but Lance just holds up a hand and moves round to Allura's side, looking up at the star map. It's zoomed in to their general area, planets highlighted in red, their castleship in blue. Lance searches it for a moment, then points. "There," he says, pointing out a group of tiny red vessels converging on a blue planet. "We need to stop them before we try and help anyone else."

"What?" Allura says, pausing her activity to stare incredulously at him. "Lance, we _have_  to help those people - it's our fault they were invaded in the first place!"

"I know that!" Lance says, composure cracking for a second to show the pain leaking out those blue eyes. "But if we don't stop them right now, they're going to enslave more and more people while we liberate everyone else! If we cut them off, then we'll be saving more people in the long run."

Allura stares, mouth thin, eyes narrow. She turns up to the star map, at the galra ships moving towards a big planet. "We come back," she says, "after it's done."

"Of course."

Sighing, Allura nods. "Coran?"

"It makes sense, princess. Shall I stop?"

"Keep going," Lance directs, moving back to Pidge. "How long will it take to reach them?"

"An hour or so."

"Okay, well..." Lance shakes his head, cracks a smile. "Glad I got all dressed up in such a rush, huh?" Hunk smiles back, and Keith rolls his eyes. "Okay, Pidge, I want you to deal with this bug in our system - Hunk, help them out. Allura and Coran, just...keep doing what you're doing. If we have an hour, we might still find something useful in everything we've missed. Keith...we're getting in our lions. I don't trust the galra not to attack us when we pass the planets they've already invaded. If they engage, just keep it quick, mass damage, try not to hit anyone innocent, alright? We're not going to the surface. We just take out whoever's in our way."

"Are you sure?" Keith asks. "We could go down and take them out and come back up in time to catch up-"

"We don't _know_  that," Lance says, waving at the others to make sure they got his orders, and moving up to the bridge. "This whole thing is a huge trap. They're trying to overwhelm us so we fall in on ourselves. We have no idea what they could be doing. Every planet could be a trap in itself. Right now, we deal with the source, okay?"

And that's how Keith ends up in Red, flying alongside Lance and the castleship, on their way to fight the galra.

\--

Keith didn't know what he expected. He expected... _worse_ , he guesses, he thought Lance was on the verge of a full-on breakdown and it would be clear to everyone that the black lion had, somehow, made the wrong decision. But he pulled it back together. They all believed in him, at least on a surface level, and Lance got himself together enough to form this plan; a plan, Keith has to say, he's not sure is the best one. Of course he sees the logic in it, but he just thinks it's too...simple. They can do more than Lance is telling them. Keith can go down, take out a few control bases, blast some galra, and catch up to the ship in twenty doboshes, if that. Lance isn't even letting him try.

He opens private comms and says, "I think we should go down."

"We're not going down." Lance's face is unusually serious on Keith's dash; strained and a little scared, mouth thin, eyes narrowed. His fingers, wrapped white tight round the controls, are just visible on the screen. "We can come back later."

"People could be dying _now_."

"The galra don't _kill_  people, they enslave them and they take prisoners. No one else on these planets will die, but the planet they're attacking now will be trying to defend themselves, and _those_  people might actually die. We can still save them."

"You don't _know_ that!" Keith says, and when Lance's eyes shut Keith realises what he's said has been misconstrued. "No, I mean- you don't know that the people here won't die! It wouldn't take long to clear the galra out and catch up with castleship!"

"I'm not taking that risk."

"Lance-"

" _Keith_ \- I get it, okay? You don't want me to lead, whatever. But can you at least let me try?"

For a moment, Lance looks away from the sky and through the comms screen to Keith, and Keith is hit for a moment by the look in his eyes: Lance is so fucking scared right now. And he's showing that to Keith, maybe in some kind of last-ditch attempt to win him over; Lance talked to him and they did the mindmeld and even still, Keith opposes him.

Keith can't help it.

"Fine," he says shortly, tossing one last look out to a planet not far from them, and joins Lance in orbiting round the castleship. The hour that passes is mostly uneventful - Allura leads the castleship mostly away from other planets - although some galra ships do come out and engage, it doesn't take long to deal with them. It just feels...too easy. Keith can't help but feel on edge, can't _help_  but think they should, somehow, be doing more. Every ten minutes or so, Lance will check on the team, asking Pidge for their progress and seeing if Coran has anything urgent to bring up, but nothing seems to be happening. Pidge mines out the bug in their system; Coran receives nothing of importance.

It's fine. _Whatever_ , like Lance said. Keith just has to control his impulse. It itches at him, this need to peel off from the others and race to the nearest occupied planet and offer his assistance, but Lance had _insisted_ , multiple times, and there was something about the almost-commanding way he spoke and the fear glinting in his eyes through the dash comms that compelled Keith to stay by his side. Keith didn't want to think about it. Probably something about how his dumbass crush on Lance now meant more to him than trying to save the life of others, and how that no doubt impacts all his other values and sense of self and whatever deep shit Shiro tries to talk to him about during their bro life, but _whatever_. They're on a mission. Keith _can't_  think about it. He'll do some introspection later.

"Alright, paladins," Coran calls eventually. "We're about five minutes from entering the qauadrant the planet is situated in. Might I suggest the rest of the paladins suit up while I attempt to establish communications?"

"Sounds good," Lance replies. "Just stay on your guard. Do we have any idea how big a force the galra have on this place?"

"The star map indicates that the galra ships we saw heading here previously are all still within the area - unfortunately, it does not accurately tell us the size of their force."

"That's fine," Lance mutters. "So long as we get a decent visual of them before they notice us. I want stealth in case we're able to contact the planet."

"Roger," Coran says, and his comm shuts off.

"You guys good?" Lance asks the others.

"Be out in a tick!" Allura says, her whole voice infused with near-childish exuberance, and indeed, barely two seconds later, Blue comes careening out the castle, and joins their little patrol round the ship. Hunk whoops as he's shot out into the sky, and Pidge just says _hey!_  as they pop out. It makes no sense to continue their orbital of the ship; instead, they straighten out into a line flying just above the castle, and when Keith looks to his left, it is so _strange_  to see the black lion there and know Shiro isn't piloting it. That Lance is there, fingers no doubt still fastened to the controls, trying to balance composure and terror whilst leading the rest of them.

"Okay," Lance says as they cross into the quadrant. Their lions immediately hone in on the planet, enhancing it on their dashes to show a better visual of what's happening around it. "That looks like a pretty big ship. I-" He sighs, sounding frustrated. "It looks big enough that there might be prisoners. If that's the case, I want Allura and myself to go on and search; Hunk and Pidge, I want you two on the ground taking on soldiers and protecting the people there. Coran and Keith can attack the remaining ships until Allura and I get out with anyone we found. Coran, any signs?"

"I'm getting something," Coran says, and when he pops up on the dash, he's frowning up at something. "Let me just-" He leans in and turns a dial, and suddenly, an explosion of sound:

"-extreme duress, we need immediate support _now_ , calling any rebel groups near us, please, I don't know how much longer we can last!" Something seems to happen on their side; a crash, but muffled, as though through a wall, then the person continues: "The galra have launched an invasion, they are taking prisoners and killing anyone who fights back! I repeat, we need _immediate_  support-"

"Excuse me!" calls Coran, and the person gasps. "I am Coran, and with me are the Paladins of Voltron; we hear your distress call - what's your situation?"

"Oh, thank the _angels_ ," the person says, sounding like they might be in tears. "The galra have been attacking us for nearly an hour; my town alone has taken heavy casualties. We're not a rebel base, but we're adjacent; we provide supplies, food, soldiers... The galra are taking in anyone they think might be linked to rebel activity and killing anyone who fights back. Which is a _lot_  of us. Please, we need _any_  support you can give us."

"What are your forces like on the ground?" Lance asks before Coran gets out another word. "Are you organised, or working individually? Do you want us in guns-blazing, or stealthy, or do you need us to attack the ships in the sky?"

"Any!" the person cries. "All! Both! Keep the element of surprise if you have it; they probably thought we were an easy target. But we _need_  people down here - anything you can give us. And you _have_  to get the battleship; who _knows_  how many of my people are trapped there!"

"Is there _any_ thing else you can tell us? Do you have ships in the sky? Are you trained fighters?"

"Nothing in the sky, some of us are, it's half-and-half- but _please_ , we need to get the children _out_  of here!"

The strikes something. "Okay," Lance says, sounding more sure of himself than he has all day. "Are you going to attract attention by keeping up communication?"

"Definitely."

"I'll be fast. I'm going to send down two paladins to fight with you; one has a green lion, the other yellow. Pidge, you made your lion invisible, right?"

"Right."

"Good. Hunk, I want you to attract attention of the forces on the ground and use your lion as a shield of some sort; try and make a barricade between galra and, uh, other, o-or whatever works. Pidge, sneak in behind him and start rounding up anyone who can't fight. Coran will send a pod down. Can you send us your coordinates?"

"I'm here," the person says, and coordinates start popping up on the side dash, "the main action is here, we have an evac point over _here_."

"Brilliant. The rest of us will tackle the battleship and infiltrate to free prisoners. Okay?"

"Okay," they reply. "When you reach the ground, say Tasha called for you. Tell them you're paladins. We all know who you are."

And it cuts off.

"Fuck," Lance whispers. "Is that good with you all? Hunk?"

"I can make it work," Hunk confirms.

"And Coran? We can send a pod down?"

"I'll have to set it up, but yes, I can do that."

Lance takes a deep breath, and, as they move deeper into the quadrant and the planet grows larger before them, Lance rehashes the plan, checking how long Pidge's invisibility will last, the distance between all the coordinates, what Allura's shapeshifting capabilities are.

"Keith, are you good on your own?"

"Yeah," Keith says.

"If there's an emergency - if any of us sound like we're in really bad trouble - go to us. The castle will handle the ships. Hopefully we'll be able to stop whatever's going on planetside, Allura and I will get prisoners, and we can form Voltron and blow everything up. But for now..."

"I'll do that," Keith says. "What if you're both in trouble?"

Lance pauses. "Go to the planet. They'll need it more."

"Got it."

And like that, they have a plan. A real _plan_ , that sounds solid and covers all the bases and everyone is at their strongest point: Allura can use her _plethora_  of talents to handle anything onboard; Pidge can use their invisibility to stealth land on the planet; Hunk's armoured lion will be able to protect the planet's people better than the rest of them; and Keith, fast and sharp, can last for ages as a distraction.

Keith just can't figure out why Lance would go onboard, instead of stay as the distraction. The black lion is stronger and faster; does he want to intimidate the galra, show them to their faces that they have a black paladin? Does he want to look after Allura, the last person who needs it? Is he throwing himself into the most dangerous area just to prove his worth as a leader?

But it's a tight plan, so Keith doesn't bring it up. Allura and Lance end up parking their lions back in the hangar, and Keith scoops them up so that they can jump onto the galra ship the second Keith tears a hole through it.

"Wow," Lance says as he shuffles in side, scooting behind the seat so Allura has room to stand with him. "Roomy."

"Don't start," Keith says, but Allura makes a curious sound.

"Blue's cockpit is a little bigger than this," she says. "Maybe it's just because she's a bigger lion."

"Maybe it's because Keith is so short," Lance says, "so he gets a smaller cockpit."

"You are, like, an _inch_  taller than me," Keith points out, throwing back an unimpressed look as he follows the others through the sky.

"Yeah, but I'm still growing," Lance replies, and Keith makes a face. "What if I end up, like, five inches taller than you?"

_Oh, god_ , Keith's useless brain thinks, immediately conjuring up an image of him bundling his face directly into Lance's chest. "That'll never happen," he says, and Lance just snorts.

"Jealous much!" he singsongs, and Allura laughs quietly.

"Are you really going to judge my height in the middle of an important mission?"

The laughter stops, and Lance sighs. "No," he mumbles, like a lectured child. "Coran, what's the sitch?"

"The...sitch?"

"Situation."

"Ah! Well, the _sitch_  is that the galra still haven't caught onto us, however I expect they will within maybe two doboshes. I'd advise Pidge to start up their invisibility and for you three to consider launching your attack. I am, as always, right behind you."

"Great," Lance say. "Okay, we're going in. Hunk, hang back behind the castle with Pidge; wait until we've started fighting to make a break for it. Don't get caught, alright?"

"Gotcha," Hunk says, and out the window Keith can see the yellow lion moving back behind them.

"Alright," Lance murmurs, and hunches down beside Keith to peer out the window. "Go for it."

Keith goes for it. Races out, tail laser blasting, to meet the ships; easily cuts down the smaller ones hovering round the big battleship, making a big show of rounding them all and jumping onto the battleship, ostensibly to prevent the smaller ships from attacking him, but mostly so Red can scan for heat signatures and make a guess as to where the prisoners would be, and then make a hole for Lance and Allura to jump through.

"This will be very risky," Allura murmurs as Lance scans the numbers coming up on Keith's dash. "Are you sure this is where you want to be?"

"I'm the leader," Lance replies. "I should go where the fighting is worst."

Quiet as Allura stands back, and even Keith glances over at Lance's hunched form, tracing his fingers over the heat signatures lighting up on the outline of the ship. "That's very admirable," Allura says finally.

And it is. Keith thought surely Lance would've run from where the fighting was worse, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe all the times Lance did that, it was a joke. After all, he jumped in the way of a bomb for Coran, barely an acquaintance at that point. And Keith had seen, during the mindmeld, moments when Lance took on the brunt of his parents' anger for idiotic things his siblings had done, or diving into choppy water to rescue a cousin caught up in currents. Is it so surprising that, when needs must, Lance is capable of taking himself and everyone around him seriously?

"Look!" Allura says next, pointing at the holographic screen Lance is examining. "Do you see, on the southern side? That many bodies together...it _must_  be where the prisoners are."

Keith glances over, then changes course to run along the ship to where Allura's pointed. A few brave cannons gun for him, but Red dodges them all easily. As they approach, they spot small galra ships going to and from the battleship, pausing for a few minutes before departing again.

"That's it," Keith says. "How do you want in?"

"Uh..." Lance frowns, staring at the battleship blueprint on Keith's dash, then at the ship itself out the window. "I think...just blast a hole and we'll jump in. But- start attacking the rest of the ship, try and keep some of the heat off us."

"Got it," Keith says, and starts blasting. Allura and Lance hash out the bare bones of a plan behind him, and Keith strikes the battleship a few times in random spots to spread the galra out a little more, then Allura and Lance stand on either side of Keith's chair, trade looks, and jump out.

For a moment, Keith can only watch as a second turns to infinity and Allura and Lance float into outer space, the ships around them halting their lasers, the battleship stilling even as shrapnel from Keith's blasts scratch the air around them to pieces-

And then they jet into the hole Keith left, and Keith keeps moving.

\--

For Keith, the mission isn't difficult. Be a distraction, well, speeding around and blasting ships to bits if what Red is best for, and if Keith ever needs a moment's rest, Coran is there, using the ion beam to take out the smaller ships and scrape at the battleship a few times. Despite a few minor skirmishes, Hunk and Pidge make it planetside; things seem to be pretty wild down there. Pidge coordinates with Tasha and various other aliens - sometimes they turn on their comms so the whole team can catch the info being exchanged instead of Pidge just repeating it to them. It's a fullscale invasion, but the city Tasha is in is being focused upon because it's the capitol. The government has already been taken or killed; on every corner a barricade has been built, groups has stashed away into collapsed buildings, fighters hiding within the rockets or braced upon rooftops, and Pidge seems to be running around, collecting kids and non-fighters, and blasting any galra they come into contact.

Hunk remains in his ship for a little longer, using it as a shield like Lance advised, but it soon becomes clear that a big robotic lion with a big ion beam isn't much help in guerrilla warfare; he drops Yellow at a barricade point and launches himself into the thick of the planetside fighting, mowing down enemies with his gun and yelling at non-fighters to hide in or behind his lion.

Lance and Allura are pretty quiet. No alert is raised for a good half-varga, during which they seem to creep from the hole Keith blasted in the ship towards the prison. At that point, their existence is impossible to hide; whenever their comms pop up, Keith can hear the sound of an alarm wailing in the background.

Keith provides the best support he can. Coran's started sending pods down, and Keith's taken up the job of protecting them from the galra. Easy enough. Most of the smaller galra ships are decimated at that point, it's mostly protecting them from the battleship and any strays Keith and Coran haven't yet caught.

The mission goes... _well_. Pidge whoops every time another pod of civilians gets to safety; Hunk cries over the comms as he protects a young child from a galra blast; Coran even manages to damage the weapons array on the battleship after some time.

Keith isn't doing much at all; eventually, he asks, "Lance, how are you and Allura doing?"

When Lance's comm turns on, Keith immediately registers the sounds of fighting, and yelling, and confused screams. "It's pretty bad!" Lance says, shouting to be heard over everything else. "But we've got it!"

"Are you sure? I could help-"

"No! Go to Hunk and Pidge! Help the civilians!"

"Lance, are you _sure_ -"

"Do it, Keith!" Allura adds, her voice also raised. "We can handle it!"

So he takes a deep breath and goes. The planet is...beautiful, in all that the city is destroyed and there's blood and corpses everywhere. It's the most Earth-like planet Keith's seen yet; as he descends, he spots lush lakes and gorgeous green fields, cities built of stone and some strange material that glints pink and gold, sprawling estates surrounded by animals Keith can't recognise. It's so... It's _so_  similar to Earth that Keith has to fight a wave of nostalgia to locate Hunk's lion and set his own down beside it, and then he jumps out and starts running. Corpses and blood and gore, tarnishing this beautiful place, it feels too much like a premonition, a glimpse into the future; could this be Earth, if Voltron fail their mission? Could this be the halls of the garrison, the city the students would visit during the weekend? Bodies, torn into and left. Buildings crumbled, lives ruined in more ways than one.

Keith can't stop and think about it. He _won't_. He runs, keeps running until he finds Hunk, and there's nothing to do except pull out his own bayard and start fighting, too.

And it's easy. This whole thing, it's too easy. They holt the galra attack. With the help of the other fighters, they're able to pretty effectively clear the entire city of galra, and then they begin dispatching into groups to other villages and towns to help there. Coran lands the castleship on the planet, returning all those who'd escaped in pods back to their home, except those severely injured enough to be permitted to healing pods. Coran is introducing himself to the resistance base when Lance pops up on comms.

It's the first time he's spoken in nearly a varga.

"I need an immediate extraction!" he yells, and in the background there's still more fighting, but also...crying. Whimpering. High-pitched and a little sickening. "Area neutralised, the prisoners need to be evacuated, and Allura's in an urgent condition. Someone-" He breaks off, his voice collapsing into a sob, and Keith's eyes widen.

"I'll go," he says, already running back to his lion. "Red's fast, I'll come- Coran-"

Running back to the castleship, Coran says, "I'll start sending pods your way, Lance. Shall I prep a pod for the princess?"

" _Yes_ ," Lance says, and he definitely sounds like he's sobbing. "I-I don't know what happened- we were surrounded- I-I should've looked out for her but I thought she could handle herself b-but then I turned round and she was on the floor and I, I-I was still surrounded, I didn't _know_  what to do-"

"There's no need to panic," Coran says over the comms as Keith reaches Red. "Take some deep breaths. Is Allura visibly wounded?"

"Y-yes, it's, they blasted her shoulder and her stomach, I-I'm trying to keep pressure on both b-but there's so much _blood_ -"

"Now, now," Coran says, and his voice is calm but the undercurrent wavers. "Alteans are far stronger than humans! Allura is strong, and she _can_  survive this. Keep pressure on her wounds, turn her head to the side. Has her helmet sustained any damage?"

"N-no, I don't think-"

"Good. Leave it on her. I'm sending some pods along to the battleship now. Keith?"

"I'm on my way," Keith says, thrusting the controls forward to boost up into the skies. "Breaking through atmo. Lance, where do you want me?"

"W-where we saw the galra ships coming and going from," Lance replies, his voice marginally less shakier than it had been. "W-we're waiting there with the prisoners."

Keith can't go fast enough. By the time he reaches them, he feels personally responsible for the blood soaking Allura's armour, for the tears on Lance's face, the way Lance can't wrench his hands from Allura's wounds and Keith has to carry her while Lance remains glued to her. They don't speak as they return to Coran, who meets them in the hangar, takes Allura from Keith's grip, and starts sprinting up to the infirmary. Lance follows and Keith, at a loss, ends up following too.

She looks terrible. Keith can only truly appreciate it when she's in the cryosuit, blood seeping through on her stomach, shoulder, thigh. Bruises on her face, blood dripping from her lip. Her hair is up in a bun, her chin high even in sleep. Lance's eyes won't stop leaking tears, his hands soaked in her blood. Coran's face is set very sternly.

"Boys," he says, and is interrupted immediately.

"U-uh," Hunk says. "If Allura's safe...the leaders down here want to talk."

It takes a little longer than last time, but once again, Keith witnesses this bizarre act of transformation; as though pulling a cloak over himself, Lance takes a deep breath, wipes his hands across his uniform, dries his cheeks, and sets his face.

"Okay," he says, and his voice doesn't waver. "We'll be down in five doboshes. Coran, stay with the princess. We might need you on comms, though."

Coran nods. "Don't forget to invite them to join our alliance against Zarkon," he says, and rummages through his pockets to produce a small circular white device, and hands it to Lance. "And give them this, so they can contact us."

"Okay, I know," Lance says. "Keith, come on. I'll take Black down."

Lance's head hangs the entire walk to the hangars; Keith wants to say something, but what? He has no idea what went on up there; probably won't find out until this very long day comes to an end and they return to the castle, and Allura will exit, entirely healed, from the pod, and together they will explain how they ended up in such a mess. They must've been overwhelmed. It'd be easy to overwhelm Lance, considering his strength lies entirely in ranged weaponry. Allura should've more than made up for his weaknesses though; her bayard works at both short- and long-range, and her remarkable strength, her ability to shapeshift... So what was it? Trying to defend the prisoners at the same time? Did they try and fight, too, or were they already locked up? Maybe there really were just...lots of galra attacking them. Too much even for Allura.

Lance starts talking the second they're in their lions: "Stick with Hunk and Pidge, alright? I'll talk to the leader, uh, but keep an eye on the pods Coran'll be sending from the battleship. Try and be polite, Keith? They just went through some shit."

"I'm not an _asshole_ , Lance," Keith replies, a little stung, and Lance goes _well_  but doesn't directly address him, just keeps rambling. Hands still tight on the controls, still wet with Allura's blood. It makes Keith suddenly, painfully sick. "Lance," he says again, loud enough to stop Lance's blathering. "Are you alright?"

He isn't. His mask cracks for a second, his brows wavering and his smile fading at the edges, but he yanks it together and says, "I'll be fine. Right now, we need to focus. We need to help these people."

And Keith can't argue with that. He's not the one for this conversation, anyway; Hunk, even Pidge would be far better suited to making sure Lance isn't freaking out about Allura almost dying on them.

The ride down is quiet, and a little horrifying; so much easier to appreciate the damage done from a distance, to see how truly wrecked the city is, the streets of corpses, the fires raiding, people trying to pull each other from collapsed buildings. They land as quickly and as close as they can, and as they race through the city to Hunk's coordinates, they end up stopping every couple streets to help out, heaving up bits of this strange pink-and-gold material up, allowing groups of aliens to dash out and thank them. Their helmets translate automatically, and every alien group they encounter points them towards the centre of the city, to the rebel-adjacent base, to other paladins they've already seen. Keith and Lance thank them and hurry on; it takes ten minutes to reach the base.

It's a building, a big one, collapsed and the ruins shrouded in a green tent. Pidge is waiting for them at the entrance; they wave them over and hold the tent flap open for them.

Keith's first impression is...it's _a lot_. At least, for a planet that says it isn't a rebel planet, it _looks_  pretty rebel-like in here. There's a big table surrounded by people, desks lining the sides, covered in tablets, holographs thrown up near the walls, leaders standing before clumps of their fellow aliens talking over what's on screen, delegating people to different tasks, a separate tent next to it where injured people are being shuttled into.

What's most surprising, perhaps, is the way Lance reacts when he enters this tent and greets their leader; his eyes don't widen, he doesn't blush, he doesn't smirk or throw up some finger guns. Instead, he bows his head, and says, "I wish I could've gotten here sooner."

"I'm told your comms system was bugged," replies the leader, a tall, indigo-coloured alien woman with, instead of hair, a long fringe of her skin pulled and twisted into a regal bun upon her head. "Your assistance is greatly appreciated. One of your warriors was injured?"

"Princess Allura of Altea," Lance replies. "She and I infiltrated the battleship in order to rescue your people; unfortunately, we were overrun and she was...hurt."

Lance looks to the side, clearly ashamed. He holds his helmet tight in his hands, so the tight downcurl of his mouth is obvious to everyone - everyone being, of course, this alien race surrounding them. They are all like the leader: tall and fluid, some slender, some curvy, all various shades of blue and purple, their bizarre skin-fringes all in different styles. And they are all, of course, _women_.

So why isn't Lance losing his mind?

"Can you stay long? We can treat you to a feast, perhaps she will be healed by then?"

Lance only shrugs. "Our comms system was blocked so that we wouldn't notice the galra were invading a dozen planets nearby us; I promised Allura we'd return to liberate them as soon as possible."

The leader nods. "I see. I am Benezia, current de facto leader of Nevos. It is a pleasure to finally meet the leader of Voltron."

Lance takes a deep breath before smiling. "And I'm very grateful to meet you also. I'm Lance, black paladin and leader of Voltron. This is Keith, the red paladin. I assume you met Hunk and Pidge?"

"Indeed I did," Benezia says. "I'll presume the princess is the blue paladin?" Lance nods. "You came at just the right time. Thank the goddess Tasha managed to reach you; I was certain her broadcasting our position would lead to certain destruction."

"It was a risk I had to take," says Tasha, who stands in the ground crowded round Benezia. She's a pale blue, her fringe divided into two buns upon her head. She waves cheerfully when Keith looks at her. "And it worked! Benny, I got the _paladins_  of _Voltron_!"

"And we lost our entire government and over half our fighting forces, so drop the tone, Tasha," Benezia snaps, and Tasha draws back instantly, chastened. "I'm sorry, paladins...it's been very stressful."

"I can't imagine," Lance says carefully. "We managed the rescue without fatalities. Some of your people were injured, but their pods will be arriving soon so they can be taken to your doctors."

"That's incredibly reassuring. It will take us quite some time, rebuilding and training up a new task force, but...better than the alternative." And she smiles, for the first time in this whole interaction. A soft, wise thing, highlights the age in her eyes, the time that's worn her down. "I am very grateful, Lance. I will not forget your face."

This clearly stuns Lance, and Keith himself has to blink a few times. It's clear that Benezia is a being of immense power: she's draped in a long, flowing blue dress, metal bracers on her wrists and matching circlet round her head, but despite her lack of combat outfit, she simple radiates strength. Maybe it's the way she continues to hold her head high despite the tragedy surrounding her; maybe it's how all the women around her bow their heads when she passes.

As it is, when Lance finally recovers, he says, "There must be something more we can do. Aid rebuilding? Cook up some food? Mo- uh..." He swallows. "Move the corpses?"

Benezia just smiles kindly. "There is a reason, Lance, why we have survived ten thousand years of galra rule in this universe. We do not go down easy, and we rebuild stronger than before. Your offer has been noted, but there is no need. It sounds like there are many other planets who deserve your attention; aid them, and the goddess will aid you."

"W-wow..." Lance says, and finally _some_ thing of what Keith expected - he can practically see the hearts in his eyes. "Uh, thank you, Benezia. But before we go, will you join us in the fight against Zarkon? We've got this, uh...alliance going on. It's us, the Arusians, the Blade of Marmora, some other alien races... It's not huge, but we're working on it."

"I'd be delighted," Benezia says.

"Brilliant! Then take this, you can use it to contact our castleship if you're ever in any danger, and, uh, we can try and help you out!" He hands her the white circular device Coran had given him before they'd departed the castleship, and Benezia eyes it for a moment before nodding it, and handing it over to Tasha, who beams.

"Then goodbye, paladins. You'll find your friends in the medical tent; they refused to do anything less than help. I once more thank you for your aid, and look forward to whatever meetings the goddess plans for us in the future."

"As do I," Lance says, bowing fully, smiling and moving to go out the door. Behind them is a small crowd of women who must have wandered up when they saw Lance and Keith. Like the sea under Moses' hand, they part before Lance, bowing their heads of even curtsying, some reaching out to take his hand and thank him, others patting his shoulder, even turning to _Keith_  and thanking him.

The scene in the medical isn't brilliant, but they refuse their help. They collect Hunk and Pidge, return to their lions, and like that, the mission is over. They won. Benezia and her people are safe, their government returned, their people working for restoration. They _did it_.

It bubbles past all of Keith's old frustrations with Lance's leadership; as they speed away from Nevos, all he can think is that they won, that this is a victory. This is what triumph at Lance's side feels like.

It treats him so _well_ , his heart pumps hard with pride for Lance, for how well he handled the meeting with Benezia, for not falling prey to his desire to flirt, for acting every bit a leader _should_. And he's not the only one; as they head back, Hunk and Pidge congratulate Lance over the comms, cheering and laughing, dizzy on their win.

And Keith - when they get out their lions, as Pidge and Hunk start running off to see Allura, Keith has to take Lance's arm and say, "Hey, you, uh... You did a really good job out there."

And Lance smiles. Old fear clings to the edge of his eyes, but his smile shines out like the sun beneath clouds before he catches himself, and it drops. "Right," he says, and before Keith can say another word, he's out the hangar, and Keith is alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any mass effect fans will Kno !!! but for the rest of u, that alien race was based heavily on the asari from mass effect, aka super advanced blue monogender aliens who produced such queens as liara t'soni, peebee, and, Ultimate Pirate Queen Of My Heart aria t'loak. benezia and nevos both technically belong to mass effect. tasha is my own gal. she has a small part but i already lov her a lot.
> 
> sajlask otherwise i hope u enjoyed! any feedback would be radical of course! like whether u thought it was in character or not ;;;;; or whether keith's thought process makes sense ;; i know he seems a bit on-off again re: lance leading but it all has a point ;;;

**Author's Note:**

> ik it got very lance/allura at the end there but....it's a Plot Line..... nah they're just one of my fave brotps, along w hunk/lance which is live-giving and idc if it's too much...they're each other's biggest supporters. id die for them.
> 
> anyway, if ur interested in more fun content, my main blog is [here](http://www.tyrellis.tumblr.com), but the blog i rb voltron stuff to is actually [my sideblog!](http://www.lancelovinglesbian.tumblr.com)
> 
> again, if u enjoyed this, i'd greatly appreciate any feedback <3
> 
> EDIT: i made a [pinterest board](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/claireruncie/fic-black-paladin-lance/) for this fic ;;;;


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